Running around after a toddler often makes it difficult to arrive on time to appointments. Most of the time I just make it, but at times through no fault of my own, an obstacle prevents me from being punctual. As someone who loves being organized, running late is often a potential stressor for me, so I've been challenged in trying to find ways to accept that I'm doing my best & move on.
This morning was a great test case for me. Having dropped my daughter at childcare on time, I was very excited about being on time. I arrived at the station early. However, I was greeting by a packed station of people frustrated as a result of train delays. This meant I couldn't squeeze into the forthcoming train. So, I took a deep breath, contacted those waiting for me & jumped on the next train. Unfortunately this train was deviating from my usual route & stopped mid station for 20 minutes before progressing to another station. Here, I had to change trains again. Finally, I arrived at my destination 45 minutes late.
Normally, this tardiness would have left me quite stressed, but this morning my mindset was different and as a result. I arrived and explained calmly once again my predicament. Funnily enough - nothing bad happened. No- one was angry or upset with me. Everyone understood that I had tried my best. A very pleasing outcome!
So what changed in my mind on the way?
Along the train journey I told myself two things:
1) Perhaps this has delay has occurred to provide me with more time to listen to my inspirational CDs
2) I know in my heart that I tried my best & therefore there is nothing I can do about this situation
So, the greatest shift in my mind was focussing internally rather than externally.
If you look behind the reasons we worry about running late, it falls squarely on our concern about what others will think of us. Reframing the event and trusting that you're doing your best allows you to relax in the face of adversity & appreciate it for what it is. By changing my mindset, I changed my perception of the event. Instead of getting angry at the public transport system, I accepted that it was out of my control and made the best of the situation.
Question: Why is this shift so important?
Answer: I didn't want to allow this potentially negative experience to influence my positive state of mind. I know how important it is to be focused on my goals, dreams & desires and thus to be in the same positive frequency/energy as much as possible. Yes - life will throw me curve balls from time to time, but it's how I deal with these that result in my success or struggle in life.
For more support and tips on how you can live a happy and healthy life visit:
www.happylife.net.au / www.lifesuccesscoachs.com
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
How to cope when people let you down
One of the difficult parts of the law of attraction and energy is the fact that we are surrounded by competing energies, desires and behaviors. Stuart Wilde - one of the all time Guru's in this area stated back in the early 1980s that even brushing past others with negative energy can (and often does) impact on your mood & hence effects your ability to attract positive things into your life.
It's no wonder then that you can find yourself attracting people into your life who regularly behave in ways that you regularly vocalize you dislike. Further, you are likely to find that when you are feeling negatively, people around you tend to let you down more often or display negative behaviors that really upset you.
In order to cope with negative people and their behaviors it's important to first ask yourself whether your moods and focused attention may be drawing these people closer towards you. If the answer is yes, then it is time to begin to rethink and reframe things in your life to reduce the likelihood of it happening.
You need to be extremely strong willed and determined not to allow the presence of other negative people to infect your life. You must be very mindful of how your energy can be altered and be diligent in your efforts to try to refocus on the positive aspects of life, rather than on the negatives. Of course this is easier said than done, but this is part of your life journey.
When it comes to those close to you hurting you, it's not as easy to refocus and let things go. It takes a bit more time. However, I believe when others hurt you it says more about how you allow others to treat you, than it says about them.
For instance:
1) if your boss is being a bully - do you simply put up with it for fear of bring fired?
2) if you're in an abusive relationship, do you stay there when you know you should leave?
3) if your friends continuously cancel on you or make little effort to attend events that are important to you, do you say little and simply squash your feelings to keep the peace?
4) if your family members are disrespectful, do you voice your confidence in yourself, of allow them to walk all over you?
Whilst the other people in the examples above are behaving negatively, you still have a choice in how you deal with their behaviors and whether or not you are going to allow such negativity to persist in your life.
Jack Canfield - another Guru of the self improvement movement suggest to try to write a list of all the people in your life & then note which ones are positive and negative. If they are all negative, it's time to get new friends!!!
Your life is of value. Don't believe you are second best, or deserve to be treated in a negative manner. Trust your convictions. Stand up for yourself & stay positive. You deserve to live a happy and successful life.
Visit www.happylife.net , or follow Liz O'Halloran on Twitter at: @lohalloran72
It's no wonder then that you can find yourself attracting people into your life who regularly behave in ways that you regularly vocalize you dislike. Further, you are likely to find that when you are feeling negatively, people around you tend to let you down more often or display negative behaviors that really upset you.
In order to cope with negative people and their behaviors it's important to first ask yourself whether your moods and focused attention may be drawing these people closer towards you. If the answer is yes, then it is time to begin to rethink and reframe things in your life to reduce the likelihood of it happening.
You need to be extremely strong willed and determined not to allow the presence of other negative people to infect your life. You must be very mindful of how your energy can be altered and be diligent in your efforts to try to refocus on the positive aspects of life, rather than on the negatives. Of course this is easier said than done, but this is part of your life journey.
When it comes to those close to you hurting you, it's not as easy to refocus and let things go. It takes a bit more time. However, I believe when others hurt you it says more about how you allow others to treat you, than it says about them.
For instance:
1) if your boss is being a bully - do you simply put up with it for fear of bring fired?
2) if you're in an abusive relationship, do you stay there when you know you should leave?
3) if your friends continuously cancel on you or make little effort to attend events that are important to you, do you say little and simply squash your feelings to keep the peace?
4) if your family members are disrespectful, do you voice your confidence in yourself, of allow them to walk all over you?
Whilst the other people in the examples above are behaving negatively, you still have a choice in how you deal with their behaviors and whether or not you are going to allow such negativity to persist in your life.
Jack Canfield - another Guru of the self improvement movement suggest to try to write a list of all the people in your life & then note which ones are positive and negative. If they are all negative, it's time to get new friends!!!
Your life is of value. Don't believe you are second best, or deserve to be treated in a negative manner. Trust your convictions. Stand up for yourself & stay positive. You deserve to live a happy and successful life.
Visit www.happylife.net , or follow Liz O'Halloran on Twitter at: @lohalloran72
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Rediscovering your true self
When you look back to your childhood, did you become the person you dreamed you could be? Did you take an even greater path, or did you settle for a life that you don't quite know how you ended up with?
Life takes you on many journeys and through many paths. Sometimes you may feel that you're traveling in a single direction, only to wake up years later and wonder how on earth you arrived at your current life. The reason this often happens is that people often fail to spend time learning about themselves and discovering who they really are. What they really desire in life. The other reason people tend to give up on their dreams is due to the desire to please others, or live up to a conceived societal ideal.
Each day, week, month and year provides you with an opportunity to rediscover who you really are and who you would like to be. This doesn't mean you have to walk out the door and start your life again, but more to start finding ways to bring your true personality, interests and desired lifestyle into your current world of existence.
One of the other issues you may have faced is lack of self confidence that you could reach your goals and desires. This lack may have been the result of internal self beliefs, or the beliefs of others or society at large. Regardless of its origin, poor self belief has the power to prevent you from pursuing your desires. Thus resulting in living half a life and ending up in a place you find unfulfilling.
Dramatic change can be terrifying, which is why gradual steps towards self discovery are recommended. You may need to read more, travel more, research more, speak up more, or listen more... In order to find yourself. It takes time, but it's worth it. Take time to think back to that inner child and her/his hopes and dreams. How did others in your life respond to your desires? How well received where your ideas? These reactions would certainly have played a part in either increasing or decreasing your self efficacy in your ability to transform your dreams into a reality.
Through introspection and meditation you find the quickest path to self discovery. Your passions may seem elaborate and fanciful to others, but all realized ideas where once just pipe dreams. When there is a big leap to take you from the here and now to your future goals, give yourself permission to make gradual changes whilst you remain in a more secure position. (Eg financially). This will also give you time to adjust to your new self discoveries.
If you are completely happy with your life - that's great. Just remember there is always room to dream big and succeed. Life is here to be lived, enjoyed and experienced.
You are the creator of your destiny so don't wait for a better time. Now is the time to start really living your life.
Life takes you on many journeys and through many paths. Sometimes you may feel that you're traveling in a single direction, only to wake up years later and wonder how on earth you arrived at your current life. The reason this often happens is that people often fail to spend time learning about themselves and discovering who they really are. What they really desire in life. The other reason people tend to give up on their dreams is due to the desire to please others, or live up to a conceived societal ideal.
Each day, week, month and year provides you with an opportunity to rediscover who you really are and who you would like to be. This doesn't mean you have to walk out the door and start your life again, but more to start finding ways to bring your true personality, interests and desired lifestyle into your current world of existence.
One of the other issues you may have faced is lack of self confidence that you could reach your goals and desires. This lack may have been the result of internal self beliefs, or the beliefs of others or society at large. Regardless of its origin, poor self belief has the power to prevent you from pursuing your desires. Thus resulting in living half a life and ending up in a place you find unfulfilling.
Dramatic change can be terrifying, which is why gradual steps towards self discovery are recommended. You may need to read more, travel more, research more, speak up more, or listen more... In order to find yourself. It takes time, but it's worth it. Take time to think back to that inner child and her/his hopes and dreams. How did others in your life respond to your desires? How well received where your ideas? These reactions would certainly have played a part in either increasing or decreasing your self efficacy in your ability to transform your dreams into a reality.
Through introspection and meditation you find the quickest path to self discovery. Your passions may seem elaborate and fanciful to others, but all realized ideas where once just pipe dreams. When there is a big leap to take you from the here and now to your future goals, give yourself permission to make gradual changes whilst you remain in a more secure position. (Eg financially). This will also give you time to adjust to your new self discoveries.
If you are completely happy with your life - that's great. Just remember there is always room to dream big and succeed. Life is here to be lived, enjoyed and experienced.
You are the creator of your destiny so don't wait for a better time. Now is the time to start really living your life.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Trying to have it all and remain relaxed
Do You want success, happiness, money, fun, family, holidays???..and the list goes on...
You grow up learning that you can now have it all, but if this desire for everything is not balanced well, you can be left feeling overwhelmed, overworked and underachieving in almost all areas of your life. More importantly, you may find your stress levels are so high that it impacts on other people in your life and you may find it difficult to even enjoy the fruits of your labour.
The expectations you place on yourself are often the keys to how well you manage your levels of stress and your ability to 'get the jobs done' well.
Being a working mother is a perfect example of dealing with high expectations. Mums expect themselves to be able to get the kids to school/daycare on time every day, organize their social lives (& their children's social lives), run the household, feed the family, look after their own (& their children's) health & fitness, get to work on time, achieve success at work/career and the list goes on.
The single mum can have it even tougher if she does not have great support financially & emotionally. She has the pressure of trying to look and feel good to support her kids and hopefully attract a new mate, whilst trying to look after her kids, work, cope with the side effects of separation and help her kids deal with the separation too.
The single woman has all the same stress and expectations, minus the kids & partner, but plus the need to socialize and look and feel her best in order to hopefully attract a suitable parter & often places more pressure on herself in terms of career success to ensure she can provide for herself now and in the future.
Men also have to deal with high levels of stress due to expectations to be fit and healthy, earn a substantial income, support a family/partner/kids, be a fun and supportive friend AND... Cope with the exceeding demands at work to produce more, work longer hours, be innovative and so on...
So in the midst of all these pressures and expectations from others, it's important to be realistic about what you can achieve within your constraints of time. Then it's important to communicate with others about your time pressures and ensure you and others also have realistic expectations about what is possible.
Being organized is also imperative, so take time to sort out your work and home life, so that you know where things are when you need them. Schedule time for you and with those you love - again within a realistic timeframe.
Being organized and realistic will assist you to stop berating yourself every time you fall short of your expectations and will also serve to help you reevaluate your expectations regularly to ensure you're not asking more of yourself than is really possible.
You grow up learning that you can now have it all, but if this desire for everything is not balanced well, you can be left feeling overwhelmed, overworked and underachieving in almost all areas of your life. More importantly, you may find your stress levels are so high that it impacts on other people in your life and you may find it difficult to even enjoy the fruits of your labour.
The expectations you place on yourself are often the keys to how well you manage your levels of stress and your ability to 'get the jobs done' well.
Being a working mother is a perfect example of dealing with high expectations. Mums expect themselves to be able to get the kids to school/daycare on time every day, organize their social lives (& their children's social lives), run the household, feed the family, look after their own (& their children's) health & fitness, get to work on time, achieve success at work/career and the list goes on.
The single mum can have it even tougher if she does not have great support financially & emotionally. She has the pressure of trying to look and feel good to support her kids and hopefully attract a new mate, whilst trying to look after her kids, work, cope with the side effects of separation and help her kids deal with the separation too.
The single woman has all the same stress and expectations, minus the kids & partner, but plus the need to socialize and look and feel her best in order to hopefully attract a suitable parter & often places more pressure on herself in terms of career success to ensure she can provide for herself now and in the future.
Men also have to deal with high levels of stress due to expectations to be fit and healthy, earn a substantial income, support a family/partner/kids, be a fun and supportive friend AND... Cope with the exceeding demands at work to produce more, work longer hours, be innovative and so on...
So in the midst of all these pressures and expectations from others, it's important to be realistic about what you can achieve within your constraints of time. Then it's important to communicate with others about your time pressures and ensure you and others also have realistic expectations about what is possible.
Being organized is also imperative, so take time to sort out your work and home life, so that you know where things are when you need them. Schedule time for you and with those you love - again within a realistic timeframe.
Being organized and realistic will assist you to stop berating yourself every time you fall short of your expectations and will also serve to help you reevaluate your expectations regularly to ensure you're not asking more of yourself than is really possible.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Who do you see when you look in the mirror?
One of the most common locations you are likely to find yourself self criticizing is in front of the mirror. Thanks to the instillation of reflective surfaces in lifts, bathrooms, cars, iPhones, wardrobes, department stores (and the list goes on...), it's hard to escape the temptation to 'check' whether you still look ok.
Research tells us that children as young as 6 years of age are suffering from body image problems and thus engage in a fair bit of self criticism. The saddest aspect of this behavior is that the images they are judging themselves against are not reflective of the average person. In fact, most of the ideal beauty portrayal is fabricated by the media. For instance, Jennifer Anniston was once reported as saying that she felt a lot of studio pressure to stay very thin during her years filming the show Friends, when this was not natural for her at the time. If she had been allowed to remain her beautiful curvier self throughout the show, perhaps she could have led a movement of self acceptance similar to the one she began with her hair styles.
It's not just females who criticize themselves regularly, now more than ever we are seeing males with dysfunctional body images. Just think about the physical transformation sportsmen have gone through over the past 20-30 years. Now, its perfectly acceptable for them to have the latest fashionable clothes, perfect white teeth, manicured hands and feet, wear tanning products and have cosmetic procedures in order to look attractive, youthful and sexy (perhaps David Beckham has had some influence changing this ideal too).
When I was a teenager my mother took me to the dentist to look into having braces. I remember at the time crying my heart out because I was so worried I was going to be teased at school. Lucky for me at the time, I had a perfect bite, so my dentist did not want to potentially damage that with braces.
HAVE THINGS CHANGED SINCE THEN!!!
If I had been in this position now, I would have been excited about choosing all the different styles of braces available Now, it's very common for kids to have braces because they lead to perfectly straight teeth - a very desirable quality.
It would great, though, if we could teach our kids that whilst it's important to feel good about your physical appearance (being clean, tidy, healthy etc...), attractiveness ultimately comes from within. The reason people put so much effort (& money) into their physical appearances is really to feel good about themselves on the inside. However, whilst initial attraction is based on the physical, positive feelings are the drivers behind others finding you attractive. Yet, people often assume its because they have 'improved' something physical that others like them more. When in fact it's the positive energy that it most attractive to others - especially long term.
The cheapest way to start feeling better about yourself is to flip reflective criticism into reflective complements. For instance, you're at work and catch yourself saying "gosh I look tired today". Flip it... Stop. Tell yourself "I'm not doing this today". Then say something positive, such as "I love the way I tied up my hair today", or "I'm on fire in meetings today", or "this outfit looks great on me".
The point is to start to like the person you see in the mirror. That way you give her/him the best chance of shining through - every single day.
Research tells us that children as young as 6 years of age are suffering from body image problems and thus engage in a fair bit of self criticism. The saddest aspect of this behavior is that the images they are judging themselves against are not reflective of the average person. In fact, most of the ideal beauty portrayal is fabricated by the media. For instance, Jennifer Anniston was once reported as saying that she felt a lot of studio pressure to stay very thin during her years filming the show Friends, when this was not natural for her at the time. If she had been allowed to remain her beautiful curvier self throughout the show, perhaps she could have led a movement of self acceptance similar to the one she began with her hair styles.
It's not just females who criticize themselves regularly, now more than ever we are seeing males with dysfunctional body images. Just think about the physical transformation sportsmen have gone through over the past 20-30 years. Now, its perfectly acceptable for them to have the latest fashionable clothes, perfect white teeth, manicured hands and feet, wear tanning products and have cosmetic procedures in order to look attractive, youthful and sexy (perhaps David Beckham has had some influence changing this ideal too).
When I was a teenager my mother took me to the dentist to look into having braces. I remember at the time crying my heart out because I was so worried I was going to be teased at school. Lucky for me at the time, I had a perfect bite, so my dentist did not want to potentially damage that with braces.
HAVE THINGS CHANGED SINCE THEN!!!
If I had been in this position now, I would have been excited about choosing all the different styles of braces available Now, it's very common for kids to have braces because they lead to perfectly straight teeth - a very desirable quality.
It would great, though, if we could teach our kids that whilst it's important to feel good about your physical appearance (being clean, tidy, healthy etc...), attractiveness ultimately comes from within. The reason people put so much effort (& money) into their physical appearances is really to feel good about themselves on the inside. However, whilst initial attraction is based on the physical, positive feelings are the drivers behind others finding you attractive. Yet, people often assume its because they have 'improved' something physical that others like them more. When in fact it's the positive energy that it most attractive to others - especially long term.
The cheapest way to start feeling better about yourself is to flip reflective criticism into reflective complements. For instance, you're at work and catch yourself saying "gosh I look tired today". Flip it... Stop. Tell yourself "I'm not doing this today". Then say something positive, such as "I love the way I tied up my hair today", or "I'm on fire in meetings today", or "this outfit looks great on me".
The point is to start to like the person you see in the mirror. That way you give her/him the best chance of shining through - every single day.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Is your health getting in the way of your happiness and success?
In the pursuit of happiness it's very easy to neglect your physical body and to ignore the impact that your health is having on your ability to achieve and maintain a happiness and a successful life.
As adults, we spend a lot of time trialling various behaviours that may lead to short term feelings of uphoria (such as excess drinking, watching TV, smoking, and eating junk food). However, whilst you may experience an immediate positive feeling from these behaviours - long term these behaviours tend to lead to negative emotions. Therefore, short term gain can lead to long term pain.
What is even more interesting, is that short term gains in mood are also likely to lead to short term pain. For instance, eating junk or drinking excess coffee can lead to feeling bloated, tired, aggitated, stressed and anxious. These negative moods can leave you feeling unmotivated, unsociable and cloudy headed. Yet, in the moment, junk food and coffee can satisfy an immediate need for an energy boost. So, we can easily fall victim to pleasing immediate needs without thinking about how they will make us feel later and in particular how they will affect our goals..
So why do we ignore the nourishing mental and physical needs of our bodies - only paying attention when something really breaks down?
I believe we often ignore our body because we justify that other activities in life are more important, however if your body is not working efficiently, you will find yourself losing motivation, feeling too tired to achieve your goals and losing confidence in yourself if your physical body is not operating as well as it should/could be.
In addition, the message we have been receiving from the media for many years now is that the purpose of our external bodies is to portray a (pre-defined and culturally defined) beauty. As a result, MANY men, women and kids find themselves comparing their bodies to those they see in the media. Unforuntely these images tend to be well prepared and photographed (or air brushed), giving most people the belief that they could never measure up to these images. Thus, it's easier to give up trying to reach such an unrealistic goal and enjoy the here and now instead.
The problem with this defeatist attitude is that internally these media images "stick"" and as a result people often feel guilty for not engaging in healthy behaviors in order to try to emulate the beauty stereotype. This guilt leads to feeling down and so the search for an instant 'pick me up' strikes again.
So what can you do to stop this behavior?
In order to fight against this way of thinking you need to start viewing your physical body as your tool to achieving success and happiness in life. This means looking after it and treating it well, so that it will in turn assist you when you need it most (eg when you want to play sport with the kids/friends, brainstorm great ideas for a new project, perform well at work, present your best 'self' in an interview or on a date, or stay up late to complete an important project).
Living a healthy lifestyle is much more about giving you the best chance to achieve success, than it is about you looking good.
Let your body be your best tool to drive you to achieve your goals and desires in life.
As adults, we spend a lot of time trialling various behaviours that may lead to short term feelings of uphoria (such as excess drinking, watching TV, smoking, and eating junk food). However, whilst you may experience an immediate positive feeling from these behaviours - long term these behaviours tend to lead to negative emotions. Therefore, short term gain can lead to long term pain.
What is even more interesting, is that short term gains in mood are also likely to lead to short term pain. For instance, eating junk or drinking excess coffee can lead to feeling bloated, tired, aggitated, stressed and anxious. These negative moods can leave you feeling unmotivated, unsociable and cloudy headed. Yet, in the moment, junk food and coffee can satisfy an immediate need for an energy boost. So, we can easily fall victim to pleasing immediate needs without thinking about how they will make us feel later and in particular how they will affect our goals..
So why do we ignore the nourishing mental and physical needs of our bodies - only paying attention when something really breaks down?
I believe we often ignore our body because we justify that other activities in life are more important, however if your body is not working efficiently, you will find yourself losing motivation, feeling too tired to achieve your goals and losing confidence in yourself if your physical body is not operating as well as it should/could be.
In addition, the message we have been receiving from the media for many years now is that the purpose of our external bodies is to portray a (pre-defined and culturally defined) beauty. As a result, MANY men, women and kids find themselves comparing their bodies to those they see in the media. Unforuntely these images tend to be well prepared and photographed (or air brushed), giving most people the belief that they could never measure up to these images. Thus, it's easier to give up trying to reach such an unrealistic goal and enjoy the here and now instead.
The problem with this defeatist attitude is that internally these media images "stick"" and as a result people often feel guilty for not engaging in healthy behaviors in order to try to emulate the beauty stereotype. This guilt leads to feeling down and so the search for an instant 'pick me up' strikes again.
So what can you do to stop this behavior?
In order to fight against this way of thinking you need to start viewing your physical body as your tool to achieving success and happiness in life. This means looking after it and treating it well, so that it will in turn assist you when you need it most (eg when you want to play sport with the kids/friends, brainstorm great ideas for a new project, perform well at work, present your best 'self' in an interview or on a date, or stay up late to complete an important project).
Living a healthy lifestyle is much more about giving you the best chance to achieve success, than it is about you looking good.
Let your body be your best tool to drive you to achieve your goals and desires in life.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Defining Your Relationships by How Comfortable You Are Communiicating
It's interesting to note that whilst personal relationships should be the ideal place to communicate freely, it is in these relationships that you are likely to experience the most fear in doing so. It is the fear of rejection (on any level) that leads to anxiety over displeasing others - and... This fear of rejection usually can be traced back to your relationship within your family.
The way in which you communicate and the level to which you feel free to speak up within your family has a direct impact on how you communicate within your friendships and within your intimate relationships. When you personally experience difficulties in relationships and thus feel anxious about the consequences of speaking up, you are likely to have a deep understanding of the NEED to be assertive. On a conscious level you are likely to be a great advice giver (detailing the ways your friends should be assertive in their own relationships) because you can see objectively the result of poor communication within relationships, however, taking your own advice and acting upon it - are very different matters.
Imagine that you enter into an exciting new relationship. At the start of the relationship you are so focused on pleasing the other person that you allow many indiscretions to slide and avoid speaking up, for fear that you may be rejected or criticized. You compromise on things you would never suggest your friends compromise on and you allow things to be said that would normally upset you.
For a few months you keep up the act, but soon your self respect kicks in and you can no longer hold your tongue. Subsequently, at (most likely) inappropriate times, you explode and end up having a huge argument with your partner. Your partner then responds in a nasty manner because he/she is not used to this behavior. Your outburst is significantly different to the passive and supportive role you have been playing up to that point.
After the outburst you apologize profusely for your behavior and as a result avoid the conversation underlying the outburst. You revert back to passive behavior and, as expected, in time another outburst occurs. Eventually as a result of not having sufficient grounding in the relationship, your partner is confused and disheartened by your change in behavior.
It's interesting to note that whilst personal relationships should be the ideal place to communicate freely, it is in these relationships that you are likely to experience the most fear in doing so. It is the fear of rejection (on any level) that leads to anxiety over displeasing others - and... This fear of rejection usually can be traced back to your relationship within your family.
The way in which you communicate and the level to which you feel free to speak up within your family has a direct impact on how you communicate within your friendships and within your intimate relationships. When you personally experience difficulties in relationships and thus feel anxious about the consequences of speaking up, you are likely to have a deep understanding of the NEED to be assertive. On a conscious level you are likely to be a great advice giver (detailing the ways your friends should be assertive in their own relationships) because you can see objectively the result of poor communication within relationships, however, taking your own advice and acting upon it - are very different matters.
Whilst in the example above, the partner would appear to have poor empathy, it is logical to expect anyone entering a new relationship to have low tolerance for change in one's personality. For a partner to enter the relationship as a positive and relaxed personality and then to turn into a negative person with a temper would cause many people to wonder where their partner had disappeared to. However, this shock in one's behaviour tends to occur as a result of feeling afraid to speak up and discuss personal issues of concern in a relationship.
Often, people find themselves in over-dominant past relationships which result in a partner being aggressive every time they speak up. Unfortunately, the baggage of this past relationship can carry over into new relationships with the expectation that all partners will result in the same manner. However, HEALTHY relationships need HEALTHY and open discussions to work.
In order to be assertive, you have to feel confident that your point of view has value and is justified. Then you also need to be mindful, but not too concerned about the possible outcome of addressing your concerns. If raising your concerns leads to an argument, it is likely to be unpleasant, but with calm and rational discorse, these types of discussions can in fact enhance the closeness of your relationships.
Assertiveness takes time and practice, but it's vital to success in every relationship (personal and professional) in your life. The key to assertive behaviour is believing that a small bit of discomfort is much more tolerable than losing yourself and not being true to yourself - simply to keep the peace.
For support in your relationships visit Happy Life today at:
http://www.happylife.net.au
Or
http://www.lifesuccesscoachs.com
The way in which you communicate and the level to which you feel free to speak up within your family has a direct impact on how you communicate within your friendships and within your intimate relationships. When you personally experience difficulties in relationships and thus feel anxious about the consequences of speaking up, you are likely to have a deep understanding of the NEED to be assertive. On a conscious level you are likely to be a great advice giver (detailing the ways your friends should be assertive in their own relationships) because you can see objectively the result of poor communication within relationships, however, taking your own advice and acting upon it - are very different matters.
Imagine that you enter into an exciting new relationship. At the start of the relationship you are so focused on pleasing the other person that you allow many indiscretions to slide and avoid speaking up, for fear that you may be rejected or criticized. You compromise on things you would never suggest your friends compromise on and you allow things to be said that would normally upset you.
For a few months you keep up the act, but soon your self respect kicks in and you can no longer hold your tongue. Subsequently, at (most likely) inappropriate times, you explode and end up having a huge argument with your partner. Your partner then responds in a nasty manner because he/she is not used to this behavior. Your outburst is significantly different to the passive and supportive role you have been playing up to that point.
After the outburst you apologize profusely for your behavior and as a result avoid the conversation underlying the outburst. You revert back to passive behavior and, as expected, in time another outburst occurs. Eventually as a result of not having sufficient grounding in the relationship, your partner is confused and disheartened by your change in behavior.
It's interesting to note that whilst personal relationships should be the ideal place to communicate freely, it is in these relationships that you are likely to experience the most fear in doing so. It is the fear of rejection (on any level) that leads to anxiety over displeasing others - and... This fear of rejection usually can be traced back to your relationship within your family.
The way in which you communicate and the level to which you feel free to speak up within your family has a direct impact on how you communicate within your friendships and within your intimate relationships. When you personally experience difficulties in relationships and thus feel anxious about the consequences of speaking up, you are likely to have a deep understanding of the NEED to be assertive. On a conscious level you are likely to be a great advice giver (detailing the ways your friends should be assertive in their own relationships) because you can see objectively the result of poor communication within relationships, however, taking your own advice and acting upon it - are very different matters.
Whilst in the example above, the partner would appear to have poor empathy, it is logical to expect anyone entering a new relationship to have low tolerance for change in one's personality. For a partner to enter the relationship as a positive and relaxed personality and then to turn into a negative person with a temper would cause many people to wonder where their partner had disappeared to. However, this shock in one's behaviour tends to occur as a result of feeling afraid to speak up and discuss personal issues of concern in a relationship.
Often, people find themselves in over-dominant past relationships which result in a partner being aggressive every time they speak up. Unfortunately, the baggage of this past relationship can carry over into new relationships with the expectation that all partners will result in the same manner. However, HEALTHY relationships need HEALTHY and open discussions to work.
In order to be assertive, you have to feel confident that your point of view has value and is justified. Then you also need to be mindful, but not too concerned about the possible outcome of addressing your concerns. If raising your concerns leads to an argument, it is likely to be unpleasant, but with calm and rational discorse, these types of discussions can in fact enhance the closeness of your relationships.
Assertiveness takes time and practice, but it's vital to success in every relationship (personal and professional) in your life. The key to assertive behaviour is believing that a small bit of discomfort is much more tolerable than losing yourself and not being true to yourself - simply to keep the peace.
For support in your relationships visit Happy Life today at:
http://www.happylife.net.au
Or
http://www.lifesuccesscoachs.com
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