Why it's so important to increase self-esteem

The underlying cause of a lot of unhappiness is low self-esteem (a lack of confidence in your own worth or abilities). Self-esteem is the product of your life history, genes and circumstance. Low self-esteem is usually coupled with insecurity and self-doubt. These negative aspects of the 'self' have a nasty habit of causing self sabotage and reducing confidence. 

It's heartbreaking to witness how low self-esteem debilitates ones life through fear and doubt. The cruelest part of low self-esteem is that no matter how strong your belief is about how much you believe you deserve something, low self-esteem will find a way to ruin any chances of success unless you manage or heal it.

Let's look at the example in relationships. It's a strong desire for most people to attract and maintain a loving, supportive and fun intimate partner. When the relationship is yet to manifest, the desire intensifies until the universe nicely conspires to place you at the right place at the right time to form this potential partnership. If your self-esteem is moderate to high you will be yourself, show your best qualities and allow the relationship to grow organically. However, if your self-esteem is low you will panic at the slightest perception your potential partner has lost interest, behave in ways inconsistent with your true values and sacrifice much more of yourself than is appropriate in order to sustain a relationship that deep down you don't believe you truly deserve.

Similarly, when it comes to changing your career path, if you do not have a high self-esteem you will procrastinate, make poor decisions and avoid taking potential risks due to a very high fear of failure. 

How you feel about yourself directly impacts on your life success and overall happiness.

Thus, before you embark on any life change, it's imperative that you first work on increasing your self-esteem.

Whilst there are short-term quick- fix solutions to increasing your self-esteem, it usually takes a bit of time to firstly find the underlying causes of low self-esteem and then to begin to increase your self worth and self confidence using a variety of techniques. 

Whilst it can take time to fully increase self-esteem, a great way to begin boosting self-esteem is through validation (internal and external). This means acknowledging and welcoming the praise you receive by others and taking the time to regularly give yourself praise for every little job well done - instead of just disqualifying it as another job to tick off your to-do list. These could be as simple as prising yourself for:

- posting a profile on a dating site

- contacting someone you have a crush on

- attending an event that made you feel nervous

- completing a daunting presentation

- applying for that great job

- speaking up about something you feel strongly about

- paying your bills on time

- investing your money

- cleaning your home

- making time to care for a loved one

- spending time with a friend from overseas or interstate

On a daily basis you do a myriad of fantastic things that you either ignore or downplay simply because they are not as important as the tasks you have decided are most important to lead you towards achieving your long term goals. Whilst these tasks are great measures of success, taking time to acknowledge all the other great things you're doing daily will increase your self-esteem. In turn it will increase your confidence in your abilitiy to make your larger desires a reality. 

So praise yourself and others regularly and be proud of all the wonderful things you do for yourself and others on a daily basis.

Be mindful of your self-esteem and seek help if you need assistance to boost your self worth.

For more information or support for low self-esteem visit: http://www.happylife.net.au/self-esteem_online.html

Deciding the improve your life instead of 'change' your life

It is very interesting to note the impact that an alteration in your language can have on how you feel about yourself and your life overall. Altering your internal language to say you want to improve your life rather than change your life is a very good example of this.

When you say you want to change your life, the underlying message (implication) is that overall your life is terrible and hence needs a complete change. However, this is not true. Every person can finds things in life to be happy about and proud of, such as:

- saving money for a holiday

- finishing a degree/course

- supporting a friend or loved one

- buying a home

- buying a car

- getting into shape

- creating close friendships

- helping a client at work

- delivering a speech 

- taking a risk that paid off

.... And so on...

The pursuit of goals and desires

Often you can find yourself unhappy with your current situation because your goals and desires are not manifesting quickly enough - or at all (eg wanting a career change, a partner, a baby, more money, close friends). This perceived failure can cause you to tell yourself regularly that your life is unsuccessful and therefore you 'must' find a way to change your life in order to find happiness. Believing this can leave you feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. 

Telling yourself you must change also implies you can't stand things the way they are now, yet you are already 'standing' things right now. It might not be pleasant but you are stronger than you most likely give yourself credit.

Changing your language

If you alter your language simply by saying 'i want to improve my life', the implication will be that there are many things to be happy about right now, but you want more (eg you already have some great friends, you have money to survive, you have a loving partner .. And so on). 

This new way of speaking serves to empower you and motivate you to achieve your desires. In other words, you start to believe you can and will enhance your life and that your life to-date is pretty good, despite not yet achieving your current desires.

You have a right to want more. In fact, the pursuit of desires is what makes life so exciting. See your goals as a way of enhancing your life and be appreciative and mindful of what you achieved so far.

For more support and inspiration visit: www.happylife.net.au

How much do you put up with in relationship?

It's interesting to note that one of the by-products of being a nice person and wanting relationships to work - is accepting less than you are worth just to either keep the peace, or to try to avoid the possibility of someone leaving you.

Women are the most likely candidates for this behaviour. Many women get drawn into the media hype surrounding age and babies and end up believing they have to meet someone before it's too late. Others interpret failed relationships as a reflection of being unworthy or unloveable. In both instances, when such women meet a potential partner, they put up with much more than they normally would, out of fear the relationship might end. 

All relationships need compromise, however this type of compromise refers to behaviours such as accepting friends and family you may not get along with, accepting hobbies and passions you may not find interesting and giving up things you love during times when a partner needs support. These compromises are very different to compromising on being treated with respect (eg accepting your partner regularly ignoring you, or not considering your feelings and needs) or compromising on trust (eg accepting your partner having an emotional affair, or accepting your partners hot & cold feelings towards you based on daily moods).

At the heart of every relationship there must be a strong foundation. Therefore, at the beginning of any new relationship you must be clear about your values and speak up when behaviours make you feel uncomfortable. 

I can recall being 16 years of age dating my first real boyfriend who turned out to be a very bad mistake on my behalf - we live and learn. Every time he would come to pick me up from home in his car, he would just beep the horn outside and expect me to run outside. One day, I thought to myself that I was not comfortable with this disrespectful behaviour. So, I waited and waited. Instead of walking up to the door, he drove off. When he arrived home he called me and was furious when I told him I wasn't going to be treated like that any more. Well, he soon leant and began to knock on the door to greet me and never again honked the horn outside. Whilst this relationship didn't work out, I gained huge respect for myself and I learnt how to stand up for myself without fear of consequence.

In all relationships, we must inform others of how we want to be treated. For instance, telling a friend you are not comfortable with her cancelling plans at the last minute regularly, or telling a child you don't appreciate being spoken to in an aggressive/sharp tone. These boundaries should not be compromised. When you allow yourself to cross that line you never feel good about it, regardless of how well you try to convince yourself there is an excuse or reason behind certain behaviours.

The key ingredient necessary here is self respect. When you respect and value yourself, you feel confident enough to trust that you will always have people who love you in your life. Thus, if others will only be with you if you devalue yourself, you can walk away with confidence.

We all want to be loved and cared for, but at what cost? By all means give of yourself to care for others, but never compromise on respect and trust. You deserve more.

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Is less exercise better for your health

Every day it seems there is new research into what type of physical activity is best for our health and to keep us in best shape. Most recent research suggests shorter high-intensity workouts are better for our overall health (eg for lowering cholesterol) compared to long distance endurance exercise. 

In a Canadian study by Little et al (2010) investigating the effects of high intensity shorter workouts, researchers were able to show the incredible benefits of shorter, high-intensity exercise. They showed that 10 one-minute intervals of strenuous exercise led to the same changes within muscle cells as a 90 minute bike ride (ridden at moderate intensity). This research was consistent with other studies demonstrating similar comparative results. So, when it comes to maintaining your health, short-intense workouts may be the go.

The only issue with these shorter workouts is they are not as likely to result in weight loss as longer exercise programs. However, when it comes to weightloss a lot of research now suggests healthy eating is the key. Simply paying attention to your food consumption habits and avoiding processed foods as much as possible, will make a big difference to your waistline.

Then there is the question of mood benefits. A study conducted by O'Halloran et al, (2004) demonstrated most mood improvements in runners was not detectable until 25-40 minutes into a run when participantsreported feeling less tense, more clearheaded, less depressed and more energetic.

Personally, I find music and high intensity exercise are the biggest factors when it comes to boosting mood during physical activity. Research shows when music is played at a the perfect volume it improves mood. Couple this with high intensity exercise and low processed eating you have a great formula for quick-fix mood benefits and sustainable weightloss.

So, maybe it's time to re-think your physical activity habits and do some research into more efficient and effective exercise programs that will give you back more time and will actually increase your overall health.

For more inspiration and support, visit Happy Life at: www.happylife.net.au

References

O'Halloran, P.D., Murphy, G., & Webster, K.E. (2004). Mood during a 60-minute treadmill run: Timing and type of mood change. International Journal of Sport Psychology, 35(4), 309-327.

Little, J.P., Safdar, A., Wilkin, G.P., Tarnopolsky, M.A., & Gibala, M.J. (2010). A practical model of low-volume high-intensity interval training induces mitochondrial biogenesis in human skeletal muscle: potential mechanisms. Journal of Physiology, 588, 1012-22.

Making those 10 minutes count

Most of the things we procrastinate over take around 10 minutes to perform. Yet we often avoid these things because we assume they are either  too difficult, too stressful, or too time consuming to perform.

It dawned on me last night as I was playing with my cat how easily I can convince myself that I just don't have time to engage in things that will only take 10 minutes of my life. Playing with my cat is a great example of this. That 10 minutes of play resulted in a night filled with peace. Tonight she also jumped on my lap for a cuddle - something she has struggled with for many years as a result of extreme anxiety. So that 10 minutes of my life resulted in a two fantastic outcomes.

Just think about all the important things in your life that you are possibly avoiding, that if undertaken would only really take10 minutes. 

Examples of 10 minute activities:

Meditating 

Calling a friend or family member

Playing with your child

Talking to your partner

Paying a bill

Sending an important email

Buying something online

Cleaning a room in your home

Speaking to your boss

Writing a plan for a university assignment

Scoping a work project

Now, think about just one of these 10 minute exercises that could improve your life if enacted regularly. For instance, if you often put off calling your family, you are likely to feel stressed about phoning on a regular basis. However, if you set aside 10 minutes every week to call and ensured you only spoke for 10 minutes, you would reduce your guilt and feel more in control of your life. In addition you would begin to build a much closer and fulfilling relationship with your family. Similarly, if you keep avoiding to send an important email, you will create a great deal more stress than if you sent it when it was due. By telling yourself it will only take 10 minutes, you can resolve the issue, move forward and feel a sense of relief from ticking off another task  from your to-do list.

Such tasks take up only small segments of time, yet if regularly ignored, can have a dramatically negative impact on your life. In the case of my cat, should I choose to neglect her 10 minute play, my punishment is a night of distressing miaowing, followed by an early morning wake up call. However, if engaged in10 minute activities can dramatically positively influence your life for the better.

So next time you are procrastinating over a 10 minute task, remind yourself that these 10 minutes will be worth every second to the quality of your life, in the long run.

For more inspiration and to learn how to build self esteem and gain confidence visit Happy Life at: www.selfesteemonline.com.au or follow us on Twitter at: @lohalloran72 or on Instagram at: @how_to_build_self_esteem

The joy of living within your means

I speak often of the pressures that befall us in modern western life. These pressures cause us to feel as though our lives are less than perfect. We live in a society that fosters competition and social comparison. Add to this our need for instant gratification and pleasure. It's no wonder so many people have major issues with credit card debt. These cards make it very easy to assume you are spending your own money. Until one day you receive the dreaded credit card bill and before you know it you have accumulated a debt which will take years to pay off. 

These debts accumulate because western society convinces its inhabitants that without the latest gadgets life is too hard and stressful. Cars, televisions and mobile phones are a perfect example of this. The minute you buy a new car, a new one which is pitched as markedly superior is created. It doesn't take long for you to stop seeing the benefits of your new car and wishing you had the money to but the newer model. 

What's really interesting is that no matter how much money you earn, you will tend to engage in the same behaviours in regards to spending and saving. If you are used to having credit card debt, you will simply purchase more expensive items when your salary increases and end up with a similar (or greater) debt. In theory you would assume that as your income increases, you stay living within your means and save this money or use it to pay off debts. But this rarely happens in reality. Most people become accustomed to a new income bracket and just increase their spending (or choose more expensive items) to match their pay.

You can imagine the stress that is caused by constantly living in debt and hence living well above your means. In the society we live in, it is not possible to escape the pressures placed on us to strive for the best lifestyle possible. We have created a society that places people into classes depending on income. For instance in order to have a good seat at the football, you need to buy a season seat. To sit in the front row at a show, you have to purchase VIP tickets. To arrive at your holiday destination feeling refreshed, you need to buy a first class ticket. To give your children a first class education, you have to pay very high fees for private tuition. Thus, if you cannot afford these luxuries you can feel as though you're missing out, which can result in your lowered self-esteem.

So how can you feel happier living within your means?

One of the best ways to get around this issue is to consciously think about what's most important to you and then to create a budget that makes debt reduction and savings a priority. One if the things we do know is that we find a way to live with what we have. You will only spend money on a credit card if you have one! Similarly, if you put aside an amount of money (of your choosing) for debts and saving and pretend you don't have this money, you will become accustomed to living without that extra money. The by-product of this action is that you will also begin to alter your attitude towards money as you begin to feel excited about what you could spend that savings on.

When you aspire to attain something that is outside of your means, make a detailed plan to achieve it. For instance, if you would like to renovate you home, but have not yet save the money, decide on how you will save or borrow this money - whilst living within your means. Also give yourself a realistic timeframe in which to achieve this goal. Then, whenever you see something that reminds you that you have not yet achieved your goal, focus on the process you have outlined to get you there. If you fail to engage in this last step, you'll place yourself in an emotionally vulnerable position, in which you are likely to feel desperate to change your sutuation and impatiently spend money you don't yet have (and hence place yourself under enormous pressure) in order to increase your mood. 

Therefore the key to feeling happy whilst living within your means, is being patient and trusting that by following your processes, you will achieve your desires.

If you have any great money saving tips, post them here to join in the discussion

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How to help someone who is feeling depressed

It is very hard for those who have never suffered a depressive episode to truly understand how debilitating this state of mind can make the sufferer feel. From the outset it can seem as though the sufferers life is so perfect. You may even think 'how can this person possibly be depressed with how successful, attractive, social and caring he/she is?'

However, depressive thinking is not rational. In this state it is easy to disqualify any positives and to focus on the issues that are creating the depressive episodes. No matter how much others highlight the positives, the depressed person will find it difficult to disengage from the negatives.

The main core feelings underlying depression:

Hopelessness

Helplessness

Worthless

Therefore, these are the areas that require focus when you are trying to support someone who is feeling depressed.

Hopelessness

To assist with feelings of hopelessness, the individual needs to feel as though there is a manner in which he/she can take control. For instance, if a friend was feeling depressed about being single and having difficulty finding and sustaining a partner, the best support you could give would be to help her to regain self confidence and accompany her to places she is most likely to meet someone she is compatible with (such as joining a sporting club together, going out dancing together, hosting a dinner party with a potential single partner invited, or attending a social function together).

Giving your friend a feeling of control will help her/him to take steps to shift out of depression and regain hope in the future.

Helplessness

To assist feelings of helplessness the individual needs to feel as though she/he has sufficient resources and support networks available to get through the issues at hand. As a friend you can personally be there to provide support. However, in times of depression it is really critical to advise a depressed friend to seek professional help from a qualified therapist or life coach. 

Where therapists differs from a friend is in their perspective (enabling unemotional  support) and in the techniques used to move past depression into happiness and health. Your support as a friend will of course remain very important in times of depression, so one should not substitute the other.

Worthlessness 

In order to assist an individual to increase worthless feelings, it's important to increase internal validation. Reminding the person of past and current success is a good start. What is especially required is current evidence of being valued. Encouraging the person to help others and thus to see first hand appreciation for this assistance is a great way to see evidence of self worth.

The key here is tapping into the issues causing the depression. So if a person feels unattractive, taking her out for a beauty treatment or supporting her to get back into shape will help. If a person is feeling unloved, showing him those that love and support him will help. If a person is feeling like a failure, engaging her in activities you know she will do well in will also help.

In addition to these supportive techniques above, it is very important to encourage healthy eating and increasing physical activity. Thee two behaviours have a huge impact on moods. Being a good friend could be as simple as supporting your friends to get healthy. 

Always remember that there is tremendous power in friendship support. Your ability to help a person in need is one of the most valuable and rewarding aspects of being a human being.

To seek help with depression visit The Happy Life website at: www.happylife.net.au