Are you struggling with low self esteem?

Your self esteem is the key element in your life that directly affects your overall health and wellbeing. Without a strong self esteem your relationships struggle, your work suffers, your dedication and motivation to eat healthy and exercise are impaired, your finances are ignored and so on. 

You can't just turn on your self esteem. It takes a commitment to change negative thinking and subsequent feelings. These two things directly and significantly alter your self esteem. So this is where you need to begin.

Start by paying close attention to your internal language. 

How are you speaking to yourself and what things do you say about yourself out loud? - eg comments like "I'm such an idiot" are a very common and destructive thing people tell themselves all the time. Not only is it damaging to your self worth, but it's completely untrue. 

Each time you catch yourself saying negative statements about yourself, stop and question what you're saying and then reframe your statement. Eg instead of saying you're an idiot when you make a mistake, tell yourself "yes, I made a mistake, but I'm human. Everyone makes mistakes. I'll learn from this one and get better". This is a more accurate statement and it's not damaging to your self esteem.

It takes time and effort to catch yourself in these moments of negative thinking but it is vital to reframe your language in order to feel better about yourself. The key though is that you must choose new statements that you actually believe. There is no point telling yourself something that simply isn't true.

To boost your self esteem today visit Happy Life at: www.happylife.net.au today 

How often do you learn your life lessons from positive or negative life events?

We are often thinking about what we are missing in life and about all the tragic experiences we hear in the news and from people all around us. As a result we end up learning most of our life lessons from painful life experiences and often neglect to learn from our positive life experiences. In fact, we tend to disqualify and ignore most of them. Our focus is often in the wrong places as we absorb all the pain of life's hurtful events and forget to truly and regularly absorb the pleasure of our successes, our relationships and our daily achievements.

BUT WHAT WOULD YOUR LIFE BE LIKE IF YOU CHOSE TO LEARN PRIMARILY FROM ALL THOSE POSITIVE LIFE EVENTS?

For example, what if you absorbed how kind, respectful, thoughtful and considerate all those people you encountered today were, rather than absorbing how rude one person was to you today? What if you focussed on that one person who smiled at you today, opened the door for you, gave way to you at a busy intersection, allowed you to order your coffee first, supported you when you were feeling nervous, gave you directions, or pressed the light for you at a pedestrian crossing? What if you focussed on how nice your close friend was for listening to you talk about your most recent problem, rather than leaving this experience still focussed on how tough your life is as a result of this problem?

All these little life events often go unoticed and unaknowledged, yet they have the power to teach you (in abundance) what a valuable person you are on this earth.Your value in life and your successes needn't be measured by the small number of negative events you encounter in life.

Yes, there are negative things happening all around us. However, we often assume life is terrible because we completely ignore, or do not trully take in how many multitudes of great (positive) things are happening all around us on a minute-by-minute basis. You just have to start paying attention and taking it in - REGULARLY....

Of course we are all human and when we hear about tragic events, we feel pain. However, we have a choice in how we interpret these events. Often the interpretation is that the world is a horrible and negative place. BUT.... this is categorically not true. For every negative events there are countless positive events. We have just been trained to primarily absorb and learn from these negative expereinces. However, we must learn to pay attention to all the positive life lessons we have surrounding us.

Instead of getting upset about being kept waiting for an appointment, focus on how nice the person who served you was once you were attended to. Instead of focussing on the one rude person who cut you off in traffic, focus on the 15 kind people who either smiled at you, gave way to you, or didn't cut your off. Instead of focussing on your one friend who is neglecting you, focus on the other friends who are being kind to you and supporting you. Instead of focussing on your family member who is being disrespectful to you, focus on the 10 other family memebers who are being kind to you. Instead of focussing on your lack of intimacy, focus on all the affection you do receive (e.g. from your children, parents, friends).

I am not suggesting you live in denial and ignore your painful life experiences. The main message here is to not become obsessed by them and learn (incorrectly) that they are a reflection of you or society at large. When negative things occur to you personally, or you are affected by the pain and suffering of others, you have to allow yourself time to grieve and reach a level of acceptance. When these events occur though, you have the option of either allowing them to convince you that they are a reflection of how negative society and people in general are on this earth. OR... you can choose to understand that these events are a part of life and do not reflect the nature of most people living on this earth. In fact, most people are kind and loving. Most people care about the wellbeing of others. However, at times, negative experiences occur and we must cope accordingly.

The mistake human beings often make is learning negatively from negative life events and failing to learn positively (to balance out the negatives) from positive life events. If you spent most of your time focussing on the positive things around you, you would be able to assess more clearly negative life events for what they are and not draw negative conclusions about yourself and the world around you as a result of these events.

Take time to pay attention to the world around you. Don't miss out of the many opportunities you have to observe happiness, kindness and generosity all around you. Give yourself the chance to have a more balanced and accurate picture of the world around you. It might take concentration, but it is so worth it!

For more inspiration and support visit Happy Life at: www.happylife.net.au

Optimists creed

I came upon this creed and thought it was a wonderful thing to pass on and read regularly.

Enjoy...

The Optimist’s Creed

“Promise Yourself…

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about
your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press-on to the greater achievements
of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you."

(From the book: “Your forces and how to use them” by Christian D. Larson

1912)

Why it's so important to increase self-esteem

The underlying cause of a lot of unhappiness is low self-esteem (a lack of confidence in your own worth or abilities). Self-esteem is the product of your life history, genes and circumstance. Low self-esteem is usually coupled with insecurity and self-doubt. These negative aspects of the 'self' have a nasty habit of causing self sabotage and reducing confidence. 

It's heartbreaking to witness how low self-esteem debilitates ones life through fear and doubt. The cruelest part of low self-esteem is that no matter how strong your belief is about how much you believe you deserve something, low self-esteem will find a way to ruin any chances of success unless you manage or heal it.

Let's look at the example in relationships. It's a strong desire for most people to attract and maintain a loving, supportive and fun intimate partner. When the relationship is yet to manifest, the desire intensifies until the universe nicely conspires to place you at the right place at the right time to form this potential partnership. If your self-esteem is moderate to high you will be yourself, show your best qualities and allow the relationship to grow organically. However, if your self-esteem is low you will panic at the slightest perception your potential partner has lost interest, behave in ways inconsistent with your true values and sacrifice much more of yourself than is appropriate in order to sustain a relationship that deep down you don't believe you truly deserve.

Similarly, when it comes to changing your career path, if you do not have a high self-esteem you will procrastinate, make poor decisions and avoid taking potential risks due to a very high fear of failure. 

How you feel about yourself directly impacts on your life success and overall happiness.

Thus, before you embark on any life change, it's imperative that you first work on increasing your self-esteem.

Whilst there are short-term quick- fix solutions to increasing your self-esteem, it usually takes a bit of time to firstly find the underlying causes of low self-esteem and then to begin to increase your self worth and self confidence using a variety of techniques. 

Whilst it can take time to fully increase self-esteem, a great way to begin boosting self-esteem is through validation (internal and external). This means acknowledging and welcoming the praise you receive by others and taking the time to regularly give yourself praise for every little job well done - instead of just disqualifying it as another job to tick off your to-do list. These could be as simple as prising yourself for:

- posting a profile on a dating site

- contacting someone you have a crush on

- attending an event that made you feel nervous

- completing a daunting presentation

- applying for that great job

- speaking up about something you feel strongly about

- paying your bills on time

- investing your money

- cleaning your home

- making time to care for a loved one

- spending time with a friend from overseas or interstate

On a daily basis you do a myriad of fantastic things that you either ignore or downplay simply because they are not as important as the tasks you have decided are most important to lead you towards achieving your long term goals. Whilst these tasks are great measures of success, taking time to acknowledge all the other great things you're doing daily will increase your self-esteem. In turn it will increase your confidence in your abilitiy to make your larger desires a reality. 

So praise yourself and others regularly and be proud of all the wonderful things you do for yourself and others on a daily basis.

Be mindful of your self-esteem and seek help if you need assistance to boost your self worth.

For more information or support for low self-esteem visit: http://www.happylife.net.au/self-esteem_online.html

Deciding the improve your life instead of 'change' your life

It is very interesting to note the impact that an alteration in your language can have on how you feel about yourself and your life overall. Altering your internal language to say you want to improve your life rather than change your life is a very good example of this.

When you say you want to change your life, the underlying message (implication) is that overall your life is terrible and hence needs a complete change. However, this is not true. Every person can finds things in life to be happy about and proud of, such as:

- saving money for a holiday

- finishing a degree/course

- supporting a friend or loved one

- buying a home

- buying a car

- getting into shape

- creating close friendships

- helping a client at work

- delivering a speech 

- taking a risk that paid off

.... And so on...

The pursuit of goals and desires

Often you can find yourself unhappy with your current situation because your goals and desires are not manifesting quickly enough - or at all (eg wanting a career change, a partner, a baby, more money, close friends). This perceived failure can cause you to tell yourself regularly that your life is unsuccessful and therefore you 'must' find a way to change your life in order to find happiness. Believing this can leave you feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. 

Telling yourself you must change also implies you can't stand things the way they are now, yet you are already 'standing' things right now. It might not be pleasant but you are stronger than you most likely give yourself credit.

Changing your language

If you alter your language simply by saying 'i want to improve my life', the implication will be that there are many things to be happy about right now, but you want more (eg you already have some great friends, you have money to survive, you have a loving partner .. And so on). 

This new way of speaking serves to empower you and motivate you to achieve your desires. In other words, you start to believe you can and will enhance your life and that your life to-date is pretty good, despite not yet achieving your current desires.

You have a right to want more. In fact, the pursuit of desires is what makes life so exciting. See your goals as a way of enhancing your life and be appreciative and mindful of what you achieved so far.

For more support and inspiration visit: www.happylife.net.au

There's a big difference between being nice & being passive

Objectively if you were to look at the human race you could be convinced that there is something wrong with a species that seems to repel and reject nice people on a regular basis. I see countless evidence of 'nice' people being taken advantage of, walked over, ignored, rejected and criticized. However, when you look closely at these examples you invariably find these nice people are in fact engaging in passive behaviour and ignoring their own needs, wants and desires in order to please others. Hence why it's easy to confuse being nice with being passive.

So, what is the difference between niceness and passivity?

Being a nice person goes hand in hand with considering the needs of others, being kind, being generous, helping and supporting those in need. However, when these qualities come at the expense of your own needs, wants and desires on a regular basis they translate into passive behaviour. The major problem with being passive under the guise of niceness is that it often translates into resentment and anger - in turn causing you to no longer want to be nice.

Being passive also tends to bring out the worst in others because people tend to assume that nice person will be more accommodating and be less likely to complain when things don't go their way.
The reason many nice people avoid being assertive is they are driven by a need to please others. Thus, expressing conflicting views can be very frightening for a passively nice person, as it has the potential to upset others and result in negative consequences (eg rejection and criticism).

The most fascinating aspect of passive behaviour is that it ends up leading to the same negative outcomes originally feared. In others words, passively Nice people want to avoid being criticized, but through passive behavior are likely to end up being criticized anyway.

If you are a passively nice person it's really important to make the distinction between being nice and passive and to challenge your underlying fears that drive you to behave in a passive manner. You can still be a nice person, but don't allow your behaviour to be driven predominately by the needs and wants of others. This is particularly important when you commit to doing something with another nice person and are asked to do something at the same time by someone you are scared to say 'no' to. In this case, you're likely to also choose the scary person and assume the nice person will be OK. Behaving in the exact manner you dislike in others.

Whilst there will always be times when it is necessary to put the needs of others in front of yours, during these times it's important to ensure you are being respected and appreciated. For example, placing boundaries around how your children should speak to you (showing their appreciation through words like please and thank-you).

Further, whilst being 'easy going' might be an energy you aspire to have, don't confuse it with being a pushover. It's fine to agree to things if you really don't mind, but if you're happy, at least seek clarification and ask if there is any opportunity to alter things more to your liking.

Aspire to be a nice person, but try not to aspire to be passive.