Feeling insecure?

Insecurity is often associated with low self esteem. When you feel unsure about yourself you can spend a lot of time double guessing whether you said the right thing to someone, whether you indirectly upset someone, or whether or not somelike likes/diskiles you.

Many of your self doubts can be based on interpretations of behaviour, rather than on actual facts. For instance, many women spend a long time asking their partners "are you OK?" simply because the partner doesn't feel like talking, isn't smiling at that moment in time, or is just too tired to pay as much attention as usual.

It's really easy to assume someone is upset with you when you read into facial and body expressions - particularly when you're feeling insecure about yourself. The easiest way to get around this is to ASK questions. Seek reassurance in a kind tone - without it seeming like an interrogation. For example, there is a difference between saying "You seem a bit quiet tonight, are you tired" and "what's wrong with you, am I boring you".

Ask questions to open communication and keep those insecure emotions in check. 

Self esteem and past pain

It can be very difficult to let go of past pain when you’ve suffered rejection. This is a big one for many people, particularly when it is associated with a bad break up or rejection from within ones own family. 

For instance, many adults find that once they’re parents remarry they no longer want to be a part of their children’s lives. This rejection is no easier simply because it comes in adulthood. In one episode of the show Frasier the character of Roz becomes very distraught as a result of her father remarrying and cutting her off.

It’s never easy to deal with this rejection. Sometime we just have to learn to accept that everyone lives in their own world of experience and being the rejected person does NOT mean there is something wrong with you – or that you’re not worthy of that person’s love. It simply means that the person does not have the capacity to be strong enough to maintain the close relationship or at least verbally explain why he/she is no longer able to be close to you. Visit www.happylife.net.au for more insights into happiness.

Self esteem and exercise

There is a strong connection between being active and feeling good. Just try to go to the gym and do a workout and NOT feel good afterwards. Unless you overtrain or give yourself an injury it’s pretty hard not to feel great from exercise. One of the reasons you may not exercising is that you don’t remember that good feeling, or you feel too tired now to get up and take part in the exercise.

However, how would you feel if you knew that being physically fit and healthy actually leads to improvements in all areas of your life? Think about how much more confident you feel when you’re healthy.

What about the fact that you are less snappy at other people because you’re in a better mood?

What about the fact that you have a lot more tolerance, can think clearer and have more energy to do all the things you’ve been putting off?

Being healthy is the single best thing you can do to improve your overall lifestyle – next best thing is looking after your mental health.

Visit www.happylife.net.au for more insights into happiness.

Self esteem and relationships

We often measure ourselves by how people are treating us. We often feel happy when our family, work colleagues partner or friends are nice to us and can feel devastated when we are treated poorly. To have a healthy and strong self esteem it’s necessary to have strong resilience. This means that when things happen you are entitled to have a reaction to them (e.g. to feel upset) but it’s important to deal with the issue at hard and not take the next step and assume you are a bad person as a result of someone else’s behaviour.

The next time someone upsets you, put it in perspective. Separate yourself from the other person and deal with what just happened – as soon as possible – so you don’t internailise it and assume you must have done something to create their behaviour. Visit www.happylife.net.au for more insights into happiness.

Eat chocolate to beat depression

When you start to notice that you're getting that depressed feeling again, it's important to try to shake it as soon as possible so that it doesn't take hold of you. Depression is often the result of negative thoughts, however many times it is the result of a physiological imbalance. This imbalance occurrs as a result of low levels of the brain chemical serotonin.

Chocolate can have an empowering effect on brain chemicals when used effectively and in moderation. Chocolate has been found to have a calming effect on the brain. Thus, the next time you're feeling 'the blues' coming on, reach for a small block of chocolate and see how it instantly improves your mood.

It is important to use it in moderation, otherwise the sugar and fat will negate the positive effects on mood. However, it certainly is a great way to snap you out of a negative spell when you need an instant pick me up.

Put a stop to fear of rejection

One of the simplest ways to reduce fear of rejection is by paying close attention to your perception of the world around you. When you have a fear of being rejected you are often second guessing what people around you might be thinking or feeling about you.

For instance, when you say "no" to someone who asks you to do a favour and you don't hear from them for a while. Your mind starts to panic and you start to berate yourself for saying "no". You assume that this person hates you now and this leads to you thinking you're a bad person. You don't calm down until you hear from the person and find out that everything is OK. All the anxiety in this situation is 'self-driven'. The anxiety is driven from a belief that if you say "no' to people they won't like you any more and as a result you conclude that you 'must' be a bad person.

The first step in combating this unhelpful thinking style is to start to pay attention to all the times in your day when your mind starts racing to fill in the gaps.

• Do you assume something is wrong with you, if people look at you a certain way?
• Do you worry about what you're going to wear, just case people see a potential flaw in your body?
• Do you avoid people who you think might ask a favour of you, out of fear of saying "no"?

Most people are worrying too much about their own issues to focus on yours, so start to believe this and put a stop to negative thinking. Tell yourself you're not going to engage in this type of thinking any more.

It will take time, because it's a long ingrained bad habits. However, the more you practice the better you'll become and the happier you will be!

What are you afraid of?

Fear. It's a very debilitating emotion. Have you ever been scared of what someone might say if you stood up for yourself? When you find yourself in this position ask yourself - 'what am i afraid of here?'.

For instance, let's say you have a friend who is quite insecure. You love her, but you don't want her to take on her negative baggage out on you all the time. Every time she says something that insinuates you're not putting her first, or that you don't have a right to feel the way you'd like you, you feel anxious and just give in to her demands. Let's say she's been calling you for a few days and you're avoiding returning the call because you don't want the stress associated with talking to her. At this point, ask yourself that question. 'What are you afraid of?' In essence you are scared of her making another negative comment. But... what if you decided not to be scared any more. After all, she's made these comments many times before and nothing bad happened. You're avoiding her anyway. So why not tell yourself that she can feel however she wants. You're not giving in to her demands and she is not someone warranted of fear. Words can only hurt if you allow them to.

Now if when you call she goes down the same track, you simply do not give ANY fuel to her comments. This is easier when you have been calm BEFORE making the return phone call. You have to retrain the friend to understand that you're not going to pander to her insecurities any longer.