I've thought a lot about the comments made about race this week. I think the saddest part about what has happened is that people still think in negative ways about others just because of a difference in race, sexuality, gender, weight, age, clothing and so on.
It's interesting when you think about where these negative attitudes come from because when you look at children playing with other kids at a young age - they do not see any difference in physical appearance and thus do not judge other children or adults based on any differences.
This makes me wonder where it comes from. It must be taught - at some level. Of all the places in the world where its shocking to find that racism still exists its Australia - the multicultural country where we accept others with open arms to share the fortune we have of living in a country without war and where we have a great public hospital system and we look after those less fortunate. Yes it's not perfect, but it's pretty good.
So, what can we do about this? I think we can do 2 things very quickly 1) learn from children to see the person inside 2) teach our children how to foster this lovely nature into adulthood.
Part of teaching involves modeling. Adults spend a lot of time criticizing each other and children pick up on this and model it very quickly. For instance, have you ever heard yourself making fun of what another person was wearing? It might seem like an innocent comment, but it sets the scene for kids that it's ok to judge others based on their appearance. We live in a society that encourages this, but it would be so great if we all tried not to engage in such social comparisons.
By all means look after your appearance, but try not to use appearance as a way to judge another person.
The true essence of another comes from within. When you are with others, see the soul not the shell. If we teach our kids to do the same, imagine what a nicer world we would live in!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
How to reduce fear and worry
Fear and worry are very common emotions - felt at varying degrees & often dependent in a variety of situations and circumstances. Constant worrying is often caused by underlying issues, however it worsens over time as a result of reinforcement. In other words - worry & fear result in even more worry and fear.
When you think about fear, you might think it doesn't apply to you because you don't walk around scared all day, however this underlying fear tends to be related to fear of making a mistake; fear of getting into trouble; fear of others not liking you; or fear of others disapproving of you.
Thus, these underlying fears can be quite debilitating for you. They will cause you to avoid doing things you really want to do and cause you to agree to doing things you really don't want to do.
People often assume sticking up for yourself is all about being more assertive, but the reality is that unless you deal with some of these fears, you are likely to find it very difficult to put assertiveness skills into practice.
Confronting fears is a two stage process. The first stage involves working on increasing your self belief that things always work out for you - no matter how bad they may seems at the time. The second involves healing this fear directly - thus working on challenging the fear itself. Here you need to prove the fear is irrational by behaving contrary to the fear and also challenging negating thinking which also perpetuate the fear.
If we take the fear of making a mistake as an example, the first thing to do would be to tell yourself that no matter how big a mistake, you can always say sorry and move on. Everyone makes mistake. A life spent trying to avoid mistakes is a life not lived in a manner true to yourself and one 'on edge' worrying about the constant consequences of behavior. The next thing to do is challenge the first opportunity you have of potentially making a mistake.
Let's say, you're at Uni or in an important meeting and a question has been raised. You think you might know the answer but you're not sure. To challenge the fear you tell yourself it's not really about getting it right or wrong - it's about contributing. So, you raise your hand and provide your answer. Most people disagree with your response, but you tell yourself that you're proud of yourself for having a go and you learn from the responses of others. As a result you grow from the experience.
This is the first step towards reducing your fear, because you can't avoid making mistakes, others being upset with you or not liking you - unfortunately it's a fact of life. So, by accepting that you do your best and deal with the rest, you start to reduce your fears and live with much less worry and anxiety.
For more support and free resources on fear and anxiety visit: www.happylife.net.au
When you think about fear, you might think it doesn't apply to you because you don't walk around scared all day, however this underlying fear tends to be related to fear of making a mistake; fear of getting into trouble; fear of others not liking you; or fear of others disapproving of you.
Thus, these underlying fears can be quite debilitating for you. They will cause you to avoid doing things you really want to do and cause you to agree to doing things you really don't want to do.
People often assume sticking up for yourself is all about being more assertive, but the reality is that unless you deal with some of these fears, you are likely to find it very difficult to put assertiveness skills into practice.
Confronting fears is a two stage process. The first stage involves working on increasing your self belief that things always work out for you - no matter how bad they may seems at the time. The second involves healing this fear directly - thus working on challenging the fear itself. Here you need to prove the fear is irrational by behaving contrary to the fear and also challenging negating thinking which also perpetuate the fear.
If we take the fear of making a mistake as an example, the first thing to do would be to tell yourself that no matter how big a mistake, you can always say sorry and move on. Everyone makes mistake. A life spent trying to avoid mistakes is a life not lived in a manner true to yourself and one 'on edge' worrying about the constant consequences of behavior. The next thing to do is challenge the first opportunity you have of potentially making a mistake.
Let's say, you're at Uni or in an important meeting and a question has been raised. You think you might know the answer but you're not sure. To challenge the fear you tell yourself it's not really about getting it right or wrong - it's about contributing. So, you raise your hand and provide your answer. Most people disagree with your response, but you tell yourself that you're proud of yourself for having a go and you learn from the responses of others. As a result you grow from the experience.
This is the first step towards reducing your fear, because you can't avoid making mistakes, others being upset with you or not liking you - unfortunately it's a fact of life. So, by accepting that you do your best and deal with the rest, you start to reduce your fears and live with much less worry and anxiety.
For more support and free resources on fear and anxiety visit: www.happylife.net.au
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Stop making excuses in relationships
It's very common for women in particular to make excuses for the behavior of partners at the expense of themselves - particularly in new relationships. Women who are likely to be suffering from low self esteem can find themselves in relationships where they are having to guess how much a new partner really likes them, wants to be with them and/or wants to be in a committed relationship with them.
As an outsider, it's often easy to see the problem in these situations - these women often desperately wants to believe the relationship will work, so they seek potential signs to prove the relationship will be a success. Often the search is for signs the other person likes Them. However this is where most of the problem lies. In seeking validation, women can confuse whether someone likes them, with whether someone wants to be in a committed relationship with them. They are very different things. The respective partner most likely enjoys the woman's company but if she is having to question his true intentions, he is not willing to give her as much as she truly desires.
It's very important for men and women to be VERY clear about the person they want to attract and the relationship they would like to have. In doing so, early warning signs of negative behavior (such as being distant, being rude, flirting with other people and showing a lack of respect) provide clear direction to either walk away or clarify the behavior early on - then make a decision about staying or leaving.
The key issue here is self respect and self value. People put up with bad friends, partners, family members and associates because humans have an innate need to be liked. However, it's important to remind yourself regularly that avoiding assertive actions (standing up for what you feel is acceptable behavior in a relationship) empowers you to create positive and supportive relationships. These relationships in turn help you to grow and succeed as a human being.
As an outsider, it's often easy to see the problem in these situations - these women often desperately wants to believe the relationship will work, so they seek potential signs to prove the relationship will be a success. Often the search is for signs the other person likes Them. However this is where most of the problem lies. In seeking validation, women can confuse whether someone likes them, with whether someone wants to be in a committed relationship with them. They are very different things. The respective partner most likely enjoys the woman's company but if she is having to question his true intentions, he is not willing to give her as much as she truly desires.
It's very important for men and women to be VERY clear about the person they want to attract and the relationship they would like to have. In doing so, early warning signs of negative behavior (such as being distant, being rude, flirting with other people and showing a lack of respect) provide clear direction to either walk away or clarify the behavior early on - then make a decision about staying or leaving.
The key issue here is self respect and self value. People put up with bad friends, partners, family members and associates because humans have an innate need to be liked. However, it's important to remind yourself regularly that avoiding assertive actions (standing up for what you feel is acceptable behavior in a relationship) empowers you to create positive and supportive relationships. These relationships in turn help you to grow and succeed as a human being.
Friday, May 17, 2013
The power of motherhood
Regardless of whether or not you are a mum, it's important to recognize the powerful impact mothers have (& potentially CAN have) on their children - including the role your own mother has played in the development of your self worth & happiness.
As a mother, you know you are bringing a new child into this world who you want to love and protect with all your heart. Pregnancy brings with it many hopes, dreams and fears but no-one can prepare you for the amount of pressure you place on yourself to be perfect. This pressure often leads to self doubt & self criticism because the expectations mothers place on themselves are often unrealistic. and idealistic of a perfect mum that in reality doesn't exist.
Despite these internal worries, the best part about being a mum is having an opportunity to know in your heart that you are adding value to your child/ren's lives.
Being a parent comes part and parcel with responsibility, worry, fun, happiness, exhaustion, exhilaration & much more... It's arguably the toughest job in the world, despite its lack of recognition. As a mum, you often feel responsible for the happiness of your children (& often of your partner as well). You can feel so much pressure to have to be perfect because there has never been more information available on the impact of parenting on child development.
However, there are always two ways of looking at this relationship. On the one hand you can focus on all the worries before you & the magnitude of your responsibility to assist your child/ren to grow & develop into strong, healthy & successful adults. Yet another take on this role is focussing on what a great opportunity you have to empower your child with the wealth of knowledge and experience you have learnt throughout your life. Whilst not always perfectly achieved, your own mother would have done her best - from her own world of experience - to impart her 'life lessons' on to you.
Whilst all mums are bound to get things wrong from time to time, each generation has the fortune of learning lessons from the previous generation, so as a mum you have the power to instill all the positive values you have learnt (& will continue to learn) throughout life.
Part of this learning is remembering to look after yourself.
A mothers own happiness and success is of paramount importance to her child's development. Through her happiness her child learns all the joy that life has to offer & he/she receives the benefit of her positive moods. Similarly, through her success, her child has a great role model to inspire her children to strive to be their best.
When you look at your mother, you are most likely judging her on aspects such as love, dedication, support and self worth. These are the most powerful elements of mothering that are most likely going to have the most profound effect on your long term relationship with her and the closeness of your relationship in the future. Thus, you can see that by appreciating all your mother is doing for you, encouraging her to look after herself - and taking in board this advice when/if you are a mum - will empower you both to have a more fruitful and happy life.
As a mother, you know you are bringing a new child into this world who you want to love and protect with all your heart. Pregnancy brings with it many hopes, dreams and fears but no-one can prepare you for the amount of pressure you place on yourself to be perfect. This pressure often leads to self doubt & self criticism because the expectations mothers place on themselves are often unrealistic. and idealistic of a perfect mum that in reality doesn't exist.
Despite these internal worries, the best part about being a mum is having an opportunity to know in your heart that you are adding value to your child/ren's lives.
Being a parent comes part and parcel with responsibility, worry, fun, happiness, exhaustion, exhilaration & much more... It's arguably the toughest job in the world, despite its lack of recognition. As a mum, you often feel responsible for the happiness of your children (& often of your partner as well). You can feel so much pressure to have to be perfect because there has never been more information available on the impact of parenting on child development.
However, there are always two ways of looking at this relationship. On the one hand you can focus on all the worries before you & the magnitude of your responsibility to assist your child/ren to grow & develop into strong, healthy & successful adults. Yet another take on this role is focussing on what a great opportunity you have to empower your child with the wealth of knowledge and experience you have learnt throughout your life. Whilst not always perfectly achieved, your own mother would have done her best - from her own world of experience - to impart her 'life lessons' on to you.
Whilst all mums are bound to get things wrong from time to time, each generation has the fortune of learning lessons from the previous generation, so as a mum you have the power to instill all the positive values you have learnt (& will continue to learn) throughout life.
Part of this learning is remembering to look after yourself.
A mothers own happiness and success is of paramount importance to her child's development. Through her happiness her child learns all the joy that life has to offer & he/she receives the benefit of her positive moods. Similarly, through her success, her child has a great role model to inspire her children to strive to be their best.
When you look at your mother, you are most likely judging her on aspects such as love, dedication, support and self worth. These are the most powerful elements of mothering that are most likely going to have the most profound effect on your long term relationship with her and the closeness of your relationship in the future. Thus, you can see that by appreciating all your mother is doing for you, encouraging her to look after herself - and taking in board this advice when/if you are a mum - will empower you both to have a more fruitful and happy life.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
What's that little voice inside telling you?
It can be quite shocking to take note of your internal language from time to time. We often hear experts talking about how important it is to think positively, however, we rarely stop to evaluate what is going on in our mind from day to day (minute to minute).
Little experiences, such as running late , having too much on your plate, working with an unsupportive boss and dealing with negative people in your life, can lead to negative internal thinking - and in particular self criticism. These negative thoughts can then result in feelings of agitation - which over time - can cause you to lash out (respond in a snappy way) towards those you really care about.
At work you may be dealing with a boss who is very consumed in his own stress and doesn't have the time or energy to consider your feelings. At home you may be feeling overwhelmed about all the chores to be done when you're feeling tired and overworked already. In friendships you may be feeling rejected because your friends seem to only call you when they have a problem and need support. Day to day you may be feeling like a failure because the debts keep piling up and you can't seem to get on top of them. And so on...
These are all natural responses to situations many people experience day in and day out. The major issue with them, however, is their impact on your self worth as you berate yourself for not having the perfect life you may assume others in your life have achieved effortlessly. Further, whilst you may be aware of larger negative thoughts, such as "i hate my job", a range of negative thoughts lead up to the creation of that final one (such as "he hates me, he doesn't respect me, I'm not competent enough, I shouldn't be here, I'm not doing a good job etc...". Most of these negative self criticisms are not true, yet the more you hear your internal voice being negative, the more you believe it.
It's all well and good to say "Just stop thinking negatively"... If only it was that easy!!! Negative thinking is fast, very sneaky & can often catch you off guard. So the key is to open your awareness & try not to let your guard down. This means regularly stopping to evaluate your thoughts and in particular being mindful of what is going on in your mind when you have nothing to distract it (eg when you're cleaning, opening junk emails, traveling on public transport, exercising and meditating). These are the perfect moments for your mind to wander and remind you of everything you're worried about.
The more you catch yourself in the moment of negativity - especially mindless negativity - the more you can stop it in its track, refocus & reduce its reappearance. So, you can take another step closer towards positive energy and creating your ideal life.
To find more support and inspiration visit:
www.happylife.net.au
www.lifesuccesscoachs.com
Little experiences, such as running late , having too much on your plate, working with an unsupportive boss and dealing with negative people in your life, can lead to negative internal thinking - and in particular self criticism. These negative thoughts can then result in feelings of agitation - which over time - can cause you to lash out (respond in a snappy way) towards those you really care about.
At work you may be dealing with a boss who is very consumed in his own stress and doesn't have the time or energy to consider your feelings. At home you may be feeling overwhelmed about all the chores to be done when you're feeling tired and overworked already. In friendships you may be feeling rejected because your friends seem to only call you when they have a problem and need support. Day to day you may be feeling like a failure because the debts keep piling up and you can't seem to get on top of them. And so on...
These are all natural responses to situations many people experience day in and day out. The major issue with them, however, is their impact on your self worth as you berate yourself for not having the perfect life you may assume others in your life have achieved effortlessly. Further, whilst you may be aware of larger negative thoughts, such as "i hate my job", a range of negative thoughts lead up to the creation of that final one (such as "he hates me, he doesn't respect me, I'm not competent enough, I shouldn't be here, I'm not doing a good job etc...". Most of these negative self criticisms are not true, yet the more you hear your internal voice being negative, the more you believe it.
It's all well and good to say "Just stop thinking negatively"... If only it was that easy!!! Negative thinking is fast, very sneaky & can often catch you off guard. So the key is to open your awareness & try not to let your guard down. This means regularly stopping to evaluate your thoughts and in particular being mindful of what is going on in your mind when you have nothing to distract it (eg when you're cleaning, opening junk emails, traveling on public transport, exercising and meditating). These are the perfect moments for your mind to wander and remind you of everything you're worried about.
The more you catch yourself in the moment of negativity - especially mindless negativity - the more you can stop it in its track, refocus & reduce its reappearance. So, you can take another step closer towards positive energy and creating your ideal life.
To find more support and inspiration visit:
www.happylife.net.au
www.lifesuccesscoachs.com
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