Objectively if you were to look at the human race you could be convinced that there is something wrong with a species that seems to repel and reject nice people on a regular basis. I see countless evidence of 'nice' people being taken advantage of, walked over, ignored, rejected and criticized. However, when you look closely at these examples you invariably find these nice people are in fact engaging in passive behaviour and ignoring their own needs, wants and desires in order to please others. Hence why it's easy to confuse being nice with being passive.
So, what is the difference between niceness and passivity?
Being a nice person goes hand in hand with considering the needs of others, being kind, being generous, helping and supporting those in need. However, when these qualities come at the expense of your own needs, wants and desires on a regular basis they translate into passive behaviour. The major problem with being passive under the guise of niceness is that it often translates into resentment and anger - in turn causing you to no longer want to be nice.
Being passive also tends to bring out the worst in others because people tend to assume that nice person will be more accommodating and be less likely to complain when things don't go their way.
The reason many nice people avoid being assertive is they are driven by a need to please others. Thus, expressing conflicting views can be very frightening for a passively nice person, as it has the potential to upset others and result in negative consequences (eg rejection and criticism).
The most fascinating aspect of passive behaviour is that it ends up leading to the same negative outcomes originally feared. In others words, passively Nice people want to avoid being criticized, but through passive behavior are likely to end up being criticized anyway.
If you are a passively nice person it's really important to make the distinction between being nice and passive and to challenge your underlying fears that drive you to behave in a passive manner. You can still be a nice person, but don't allow your behaviour to be driven predominately by the needs and wants of others. This is particularly important when you commit to doing something with another nice person and are asked to do something at the same time by someone you are scared to say 'no' to. In this case, you're likely to also choose the scary person and assume the nice person will be OK. Behaving in the exact manner you dislike in others.
Whilst there will always be times when it is necessary to put the needs of others in front of yours, during these times it's important to ensure you are being respected and appreciated. For example, placing boundaries around how your children should speak to you (showing their appreciation through words like please and thank-you).
Further, whilst being 'easy going' might be an energy you aspire to have, don't confuse it with being a pushover. It's fine to agree to things if you really don't mind, but if you're happy, at least seek clarification and ask if there is any opportunity to alter things more to your liking.
Aspire to be a nice person, but try not to aspire to be passive.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
If you find yourself going down the wrong path. Stop and do a u-turn
Watching a Suze Orman (finance guru) video today, I was struck by a very pertinent comment she made regarding 'if you find yourself going down the wrong path, God permits u-turns'. In other words, it's never too late to change the course of your life and set sail in the right direction - FOR YOU.
I often tell my clients that age is not a barrier to success. Often clients believe they are too old to change their life directions and to start living out their dreams. However, there are countless stories of very successful individuals who embarked on their true calling later in life.
In each one of these cases there was also a deep underlying passion and desire to bring happiness to others. The Colonel dreamt of people enjoying his delicious chicken recipe, Suze dreamt of helping empower people to take back control of their financial future and Jack dreamt of helping his readers find inspiration, hope and joy through his stories. These core internal drives helped to push them through adversity to finally achieve and sustain their dreams.
We are all on a life's journey. My person journey began when I was 12 years old. I can still see myself in our loungeroom thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and deciding instinctively that I wanted to help others to feel happy. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, but I was convinced that I was here on this earth to support and assist others. This desire has continued to motivate and inspire me every single day. It is why I love coaching, counselling and mentoring individuals and why I feel so happy and inspired after every session. I wasn't blessed with rich parents, an easy childhood, or a stable upbringing, but I was blessed with determination and drive. I observed these in my parents (particularly my mother) and I have the will to never give up. This determination and the desire to help others keeps me firmly focussed on how much I have achieved already, how much I still want to achieve and how much is still possible.
When you take time to reflect on your life, you will find (if you haven't already) your life's desire. This desire is in your grasp. Regardless of your life's circumstance, with belief, determination and perseverance, you can have, do or be anything you desire.
I often tell my clients that age is not a barrier to success. Often clients believe they are too old to change their life directions and to start living out their dreams. However, there are countless stories of very successful individuals who embarked on their true calling later in life.
- Suze Orman is a great example of this, deciding to change her life's course whilst working as a waitress at age 30.
- Colonel Sanders - the creator of the KFC franchise - changed the course of his life even later in life. After years of perfecting his secret chicken recipe, it wasn't until he was 65 years of age that he began approaching potential franchisees - a move that finally led him to the successful KFC business that remains extremely popular around the world today.
- Jack Canfield (the successful motivational speaker) was a teacher earning a very modest wage when he later decided to write the now famous Chicken Soup for the Soul series with a friend. It took them 3 years to write and almost 2 years to promote, but now Jack's books are sold in the millions all over the world.
In each one of these cases there was also a deep underlying passion and desire to bring happiness to others. The Colonel dreamt of people enjoying his delicious chicken recipe, Suze dreamt of helping empower people to take back control of their financial future and Jack dreamt of helping his readers find inspiration, hope and joy through his stories. These core internal drives helped to push them through adversity to finally achieve and sustain their dreams.
We are all on a life's journey. My person journey began when I was 12 years old. I can still see myself in our loungeroom thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and deciding instinctively that I wanted to help others to feel happy. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, but I was convinced that I was here on this earth to support and assist others. This desire has continued to motivate and inspire me every single day. It is why I love coaching, counselling and mentoring individuals and why I feel so happy and inspired after every session. I wasn't blessed with rich parents, an easy childhood, or a stable upbringing, but I was blessed with determination and drive. I observed these in my parents (particularly my mother) and I have the will to never give up. This determination and the desire to help others keeps me firmly focussed on how much I have achieved already, how much I still want to achieve and how much is still possible.
When you take time to reflect on your life, you will find (if you haven't already) your life's desire. This desire is in your grasp. Regardless of your life's circumstance, with belief, determination and perseverance, you can have, do or be anything you desire.
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