As human beings we spend a lot of time in social comparison. It's very common to find ourselves wondering why life seems so easy for some & yet so hard for others. It can sometimes feel unfair.
One of the problems with modern life is that we are 'fed' information regarding what should make us happy. This happens over and over again through advertising. As a result, there is always a carrot at the end of the stick pushing you harder and harder to obtain the next goal or desire.
Think about the last new car you purchased. Initially, you were probably very excited about the car. You may have driven it around to your friends and family and relished in the validation and praise for your new 'shiny' purchase. However, before too long, the is likely to have become simply a means to an end (driving you from A to B), so the validation you felt from this purchase soon wears off. Why... Because around the corner is an advertisement for an even better/bigger/more technologically advanced car, making your car look less impressive. So, you may start to feel down about your car and start longing for the better one.
This cycle is a by product of our society. We have to accept this. However, we are much more likely to enjoy life (including our purchases) if we take time to think about what is important to us and what would truly make us happy. For instance, with regard to the new car, it's important to regularly remind yourself about what you love about it. If it's simply a great vehicle to take you places, tell yourself how grateful you are to own a reliable car. If you were looking for comfort and style, remind yourself how great your car is and remember to stop yourself when you compare it to newer vehicles.
When it comes to your life overall, it's really important to think about what makes you happy. A first clue is to look at the areas you tend to feel depressed about. Lack of money and relationship problems are common areas that often lead to depressed thinking. If you are lacking in finances, is there a chance that you are self sabotaging yourself as a result of comparing yourself to others who have much more money than you? Rather than engaging in social comparison, try thinking about your lifestyle overall when you think about money.
When you know how many hours you want to work, the industry in which you would like to work in and the hours you would like to invest in making money, you can make an informed decision about how much money you would like to have and whether or not this is reasonable. For instance, if you're feeling depressed about not being a millionaire, but you would rather spend time with your family and friends - instead of working all hours of the night - accept this and be grateful for your lifestyle. Then, start to think 'outside the box'. Ask yourself "Where could i invest some extra time and money to increase my passive income, so it does not impinge on my personal life?".
In my business I speak to many mums - Working full-time, part-time, or in the home. Many of these mums feel inadequate from time to time. The full time mums often feel guilty for having to work, the part-time mums often feel exhausted trying to lead two very separate lives, the stay at home mums often feel they could be contributing more and are worried they have lost touch of their previous professional lives. However, those that are happy are those that are clear about what they are doing - AND WHY! The stay at home mums are grateful for the opportunity to be actively involved in their child's upbringing, the part-time mums are grateful for time with the kids, keeping a foot in the professional door and contributing to the household finances, & the full-time working mums are grateful for their career, the money coming in to provide for their families and the quality time they have with their children. In each case, the mum is happy with her choice and knows clearly why she chose it. She also has realistic expectations of what she can abs can't achieve in her chosen role.
Therefore, a strong key for happiness is having clarity over how you want to live your life, being committed to this goal and having manageable and reasonable expectations of how you can achieve your goal also.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Stop worrying about what other people think
As an energy sensitive person, I find it very hard not to get drawn in to other people's emotions. My energy sensitivity is very useful in my professional career as a therapist, however, in my personal life it can get me into trouble. What tends to happen is that I become preoccupied with how others are feeling and then without realising it, begin to respond to their emotions. An example of this is when I am around acquaintances that are anxious. I pick up on anxious energy very quickly. I am aware of this at the time, however, I it has taken me a while to understand why I felt so drained after associating with these people.
The law of attraction suggests we pick up on others energies and if we are not mindful, we will internalise these outward feelings as our own. Delving into this further, I realised that I become so preoccupied with making others feel happy, that I forget to be myself. As a result, other people most likely pick up on the change in my behaviour, become more anxious - and the cycle continues. So what is the answer to this issue? The answer lies in being yourself. Whilst this sounds like a simple thing to do, it's incredible how many of us lose ourselves in the process of trying to please others. This does not mean that we should not try to make others happy. It is a very nice part of humanity to gain joy from giving joy to others. However, when you start to second guess how others are feeling, or take their feelings on as though they are your own, it becomes a problem.
A large part of this also comes from fear of getting into trouble - or upsetting others. Unfortunately a by-product of being a nice person, can result in becoming a people-pleaser. This sounds nice on one level, but it can cause a great deal of stress when it comes at the sacrifice of your needs and desires. Further, when you continuously put your needs last - in order to people others - resentment and guilt are often not far behind.
In order to change automatic reactions and habits it's important to consciously recognise the relationships that tend to bring on this behaviour and then to approach every new interaction with the resolve to be true to yourself and not simply agree with others, so as not to offend them. For instance, if you are a parent and you have a belief about how children should be put to sleep, which is in complete opposition to a friend's, it would be much more healthy for you to acknowledge your friend's belief and still raise your personal views. What most people do is say nothing (or agree) with oposing beliefs and then end up feeling angry and offended, rather than addressing the issue first hand. In doing so, the peace may have been kept - but at what cost to your soul?
Most of us have an innate desire to be liked, so we often go out of our way to make others happy and to keep the peace. However, this does not have to come at the cost of yourself - in other words - you don't have to lose yourself in relationships in order to be happy. By relaxing with who you are and accepting that your true friends will like you for who you really are - not the mirror image on themselves - you will feel much more comfortable and less exhausted as a result of being the real you, rather than the people-pleasing you.
Make an effort to get to know who you are - your values, beliefs and desires and invest time in feeling confident being yourself in all interactions. Yes, there is a time for decorum, however, you can still maintain your core self and in the process increase your self-esteem, regardless of the people, places or circumstances you find yourself in.
The law of attraction suggests we pick up on others energies and if we are not mindful, we will internalise these outward feelings as our own. Delving into this further, I realised that I become so preoccupied with making others feel happy, that I forget to be myself. As a result, other people most likely pick up on the change in my behaviour, become more anxious - and the cycle continues. So what is the answer to this issue? The answer lies in being yourself. Whilst this sounds like a simple thing to do, it's incredible how many of us lose ourselves in the process of trying to please others. This does not mean that we should not try to make others happy. It is a very nice part of humanity to gain joy from giving joy to others. However, when you start to second guess how others are feeling, or take their feelings on as though they are your own, it becomes a problem.
A large part of this also comes from fear of getting into trouble - or upsetting others. Unfortunately a by-product of being a nice person, can result in becoming a people-pleaser. This sounds nice on one level, but it can cause a great deal of stress when it comes at the sacrifice of your needs and desires. Further, when you continuously put your needs last - in order to people others - resentment and guilt are often not far behind.
In order to change automatic reactions and habits it's important to consciously recognise the relationships that tend to bring on this behaviour and then to approach every new interaction with the resolve to be true to yourself and not simply agree with others, so as not to offend them. For instance, if you are a parent and you have a belief about how children should be put to sleep, which is in complete opposition to a friend's, it would be much more healthy for you to acknowledge your friend's belief and still raise your personal views. What most people do is say nothing (or agree) with oposing beliefs and then end up feeling angry and offended, rather than addressing the issue first hand. In doing so, the peace may have been kept - but at what cost to your soul?
Most of us have an innate desire to be liked, so we often go out of our way to make others happy and to keep the peace. However, this does not have to come at the cost of yourself - in other words - you don't have to lose yourself in relationships in order to be happy. By relaxing with who you are and accepting that your true friends will like you for who you really are - not the mirror image on themselves - you will feel much more comfortable and less exhausted as a result of being the real you, rather than the people-pleasing you.
Make an effort to get to know who you are - your values, beliefs and desires and invest time in feeling confident being yourself in all interactions. Yes, there is a time for decorum, however, you can still maintain your core self and in the process increase your self-esteem, regardless of the people, places or circumstances you find yourself in.
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Thursday, November 15, 2012
Curbing self doubt
When you're not confident, you can find yourself agreeing to things you never dreamt you would, or to avoid and pass up opportunities that you previously believed would be a dream come true.
Self doubt reflects an inner belief that we are not worthy or good enough at something. For instance, due to social comparison many mothers doubt their skills as a mother whenever they (or their children) are not acting as perfectly as they believe they should be. As a parent, you do your best to provide love, support, understanding, security and fun. However, the stressors of life often get in the way of making this possible. As a result, every time you have to do something that takes you away from your picture of how the perfect mother Should behave, you are likely to beat yourself up over it and further feed the self doubt.
In order to reduce self doubt we need to change our internal beliefs. This means engraining in our minds that we are good enough, we are trying our best and we deserve good things in our lives. These beliefs need some effort to engrain because you are often fighting against years of self doubt and strongly held negative self beliefs. Thus, a life coach who uses techniques such as NLP or hypnotherapy can really help to clear out these old beliefs and instill more positive - useful beliefs in their place.
Almost everyone experiences self doubt in one area of their life from time to time. It's the product of upbringing and ongoing reinforcement. Therefore, it's a learned behavioral response, which can be re-trained. Having a high self belief is the cornerstone of life success, so reducing self doubt is critical to overall happiness in life.
Self doubt reflects an inner belief that we are not worthy or good enough at something. For instance, due to social comparison many mothers doubt their skills as a mother whenever they (or their children) are not acting as perfectly as they believe they should be. As a parent, you do your best to provide love, support, understanding, security and fun. However, the stressors of life often get in the way of making this possible. As a result, every time you have to do something that takes you away from your picture of how the perfect mother Should behave, you are likely to beat yourself up over it and further feed the self doubt.
In order to reduce self doubt we need to change our internal beliefs. This means engraining in our minds that we are good enough, we are trying our best and we deserve good things in our lives. These beliefs need some effort to engrain because you are often fighting against years of self doubt and strongly held negative self beliefs. Thus, a life coach who uses techniques such as NLP or hypnotherapy can really help to clear out these old beliefs and instill more positive - useful beliefs in their place.
Almost everyone experiences self doubt in one area of their life from time to time. It's the product of upbringing and ongoing reinforcement. Therefore, it's a learned behavioral response, which can be re-trained. Having a high self belief is the cornerstone of life success, so reducing self doubt is critical to overall happiness in life.
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