Self esteem tip: How to Stop Self Sabotage Save View

Does fear cause you to run away just when you seem to be getting what you want?

Low self esteem is often coupled with self sabotage. People often think self sabotage sounds crazy - how can you reject something you tell others and yourself that you want so badly? Yet self sabotage is REALLY common.

At work people self sabotage all the time. They complain for years about feeling unfulfilled, stressed and undervalued. However, when a job presents itself that has all the potential to resolve many of their current complaints, individuals will finds things that must be wrong with this potential opportunity and remain where they currently stand - unhappy and frustrated & wondering just when is life going to change. 

In relationships people also have a strong tendency to self sabotage. They feel lonely and are tired of attracting negative relationships into their lives, yet when the opportunity to meet someone new (without inherent complications) presents itself they allow fear to interfere with their behaviour. So they often avoid taking the first step and reject the opportunity to commence something new.

There is something safe about staying put! Even though people may hate where they currently stand, they know what this space is like - they know they can cope with the unpleasantness (getting enjoyment from the fantasy of a potential better life). However, it takes an incredible amount of courage to say "I don't care how scary the unknown is.. I want my desires & I'm going to take a chance to get them". 

Most people spend their lives in the mode of self sabotage. They avoid taking risks and instead live a life in fear and hence very unhappy.

How to build self esteem and reduce self confidence 

Every step you take outside your comfort zone poses a potential risk. The key to overall happiness is how you interpret these risks and subsequently move on. For instance, taking a risk in the past on a new relationship that ended badly could either leave you feeling jaded and scared of ever taking the plunge with a new potential partner, or leave you healing past the pain and trusting that the right person for you is just around the corner. Similarly, taking a risk on a new business venture that failed could leave you either feeling like a complete failure, or challenge you to tweak things and get better (eg the journey of most successful business ple has stories of set-backs that inspired them to achieve even greater things).

You can choose to take controlled risks, or huge risks - that's a personal decision. I'm not suggesting you create risks and seek them out. Simply, when it comes to your inner desires, seize opportunities when they are presented to you. The Universe is responding to your requests, so seize the moments. 

Live the life that makes you happy. 

How to build self esteem and reduce self confidence

How to have success dating when you're single

The dating scene has changed quite significantly over the past 20 years, partly due to our busy schedules and largely due to the boom in modern technology. Just look at mobile phones for instance. During my Masters Degree I investigated the social impact of mobile phone use and it was astounding how many respondents noted they would be anxious if they left home without their mobile phones. Yet, it wasn't that long ago that mobile phones did not exist.

Technology like the mobile phone has meant texting (which can be quite impersonal at times) has become the commonly used mode of communication in dating. Instead if picking up the phone to arrange a new date, potential couples often send text messages that can lead to misunderstanding, misinterpretation and upset feelings. The same applies to emails.

The unfortunate aspects of these newer technologies is that they are not very good at expressing intonation. Thus it's very easy to get offended by a text that reads "I have to cancel tonight". However, if you were able to hear how the person felt when he/she cancelled, you'd be less likely to take the cancellation personally. This is why it's a good idea to practice calling people rather than always texting - otherwise it's very easy to become anxious about having to make stressful phone calls in the future.

Online dating sites have also become common place these days. They provide a great opportunity to meet new people. However, I believe they need to be viewed with realistic expectations and with a reality lens in order to not be offended by other potential partners's (perceived) rejections. It's human nature that only certain people will be attracted to others, so you should not be offended if another person online is not receptive to you. Think about it this way, if you were to walk into a bar, it's highly likely that you would find 1 person in 20 attractive and then once you meet the person, there is the issue if whether you like his/her personality. The same applies online. Out of 20 potential suitors, you'll probably find 1 attractive and hopefully he/she will find you attractive and then you move forward from there. By changing your expectations and appreciating dating sites for what they can offer, you can achieve much more success with online dating.

In view of the changing nature of dating, it's important to be mindful that all relationships take time and effort. By taking a step back and allowing new relationships to develop slowly and organically (and not expecting every new relationship to be 'the one'), you can go with the flow and attract better relationships into your life.

Technology always has a good and bad side, but if you focus on its good qualities and use them to your advantage, you can have long term success with your dating efforts.