Why does it seem so hard to take charge of your life ?

It's an interesting aspect of human existence that people would often rather remain in an unhappy environment rather than strive towards true happiness. Maybe this has something to do with our inherent mentality of "I'll be happy when..." - feeling defeated by the pain of the here and now.

If you think back in time to all the desires you longed for and finally achieved, how many of these do you re-focus on and remind yourself of how great you feel as a result of these achievements? Our brains seem to be wired to focus on thoughts such as "yeh I know I have that, but I don't want this present thing and therefore that's what I really want and then I will REALLY be happy". 

The sneaky truth is that there is never an end of the road because we will always be seeking new adventures, relationships, material pleasures. This is not a bad thing, however our assumption that these things will ultimately lead to happiness is flawed. 

As human beings we are meant to seek greater heights. We just need to accept this as a fantastic aspect of life, rather than a constant burden. We need to trust that we can map out the journey towards our goals and desires, but the road is likely to take many turns and when we reach our desired outcome we will question "what's next"??? 

Therefore the answer lies in being excited about your desires and trusting in your abilities to stand the test of time and pursue your dreams - riding the waves along the way! 

If you are in a situation or circumstance that is causing extreme unhappiness this focus is even more important. You need to trust in your abilities to get you there and focus on the excitement of small achievements along the way. Each achievement should get recognised and rewarded. For instance, having the discipline to sit down and study, completing a highly commended project, getting to gym 3 times this week, or eating healthy foods today. 

When you begin to relish in each achievement you gain closer perspective on how to enjoy the road ahead and appreciate each moment.

Life is to be lived, not wasted waiting until happiness falls upon you. It's your life. Live it & love it.

For more inspiration visit Happy Life at: www.happylife.net.au or follow us on Twitter at: @lohalloran72

Feeling tired? You might be emotionally drained

We tend to associate over tiredness with lack of sleep. It makes sense. Logically if you're sleep deprived you are going to feel tired. However, mental excursion is often at the route of daily tiredness and in fact is often the cause of sleep deprivation. 

Many people complain of sheer exhaustion and feeling Burnt out at the end of a hard day at work. As a result they associate the environment and actual job with tiredness. However, a lot of the tiredness comes from worrying about external factors, such as everything of their to-do list, their ability to perform a task in a particular time, or complete a job to a particular standard.

 

A 2012 article in the Psychology Today magazine defined feeling burnt out as:

"...a state of chronic stress and frustration that leads to:

• physical and emotional exhaustion; 
• feelings of cynicism and detachment; and
• a sense of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment." See: http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201205/where-do-you-fall-the-burnout-continuum

Whilst you may not be experiencing all these symptoms, if you are regularly feeling mentally drained at the end of the day, it's time to start having a look at how you are processing information throughout your day. For instance, if you engage in a lot of negative thinking throughout the day (such as complaining about people that upset you at work), you are straining your mind and filling it with very draining thoughts. These thoughts then lead to negative feelings.

Office politics often results in employees feeling as though they are not being heard. They thus turn to each other for support and to vent. Whilst this can be helpful, regularly complaining about the same issues is detrimental to your health and rarely actually improves the issues being discussed. A better approach is to focus on what you can control and then take action to either rectify the issues internally in the current workplace, or start to make plans to move on. Staying where you are and complaining every day about it simply exhausts you mentally and physically.

If you enjoy your job but the workload is just too high, it's important to take time out from your current environment and make plans to set better boundaries and processes. Complaining about his much  work you have on your plate is highly unlikely to alter your situation because most people feel they are overworked in a busy workplace and with hence find it difficult to emplathise with you. Instead, be open about what you are capable of achieving. Set clear expectations and don't over promise to deliver work when you have the opportunity to set more realistic goals and expectations.

Each day make a commitment to first plan out your day and then operate in the here and now, rather than worrying about what you still want to do, or are dreading doing. Most importantly, when walk out of the office door - mentally switch off and leave your work stress where it belongs - back in the office. This simple process will begin to reduce negative mental stress and will provide you with more sustained positive energy throughout your whole day. It will also reduce the reliance on medication, stimulants and relaxants to get you through the day.

For more support and inspiration visit Happy Life at: www.happylife.net.au or follow us on Twitter @lohalloran72  

Do you procrastinate out of fear of failure?

One of the most common reasons people procrastinate is because they fear if they try and do not succeed at achieving a desire, it means they either will never achieve it or they are inherently a failure as a person. As a result of such beliefs they are motivated to want a particular desire, but appear from the outside to be unmotivated to want to work to achieve it.

Getting into shape is a great example of this. Outsiders often assume that overweight (& unhappy) individuals are just lazy. However, it's much more complicated than that. Often when you are unhappy with your weight, you can convince yourself that it's going to be too hard to maintain it (eg thinking "what if I lose all this weight & then can't sustain the weightloss"?). The fear of failure thus results in overeating in an attempt to soothe negative feelings in the present moment when feeling like a failure, rather than engaging in actions to try to change the current circumstance.

The same analogy can be used for work. So often people will settle for jobs that do not fulfill them because they fear the potential failure that may befall if they step outside of their comfort zone (eg  thinking "what if I go for that job & don't get it?; "what if I audition for that show and don't get the part?"; "what if I put my hand up for that promotion and don't get it?"). These fears can easily result in remaining safely in a place where one can feel unfulfilled & just wish and pine over a future that is within thier grasp, but they are too afraid to try for.

In all these scenarios people are focussing on the outcome - the job; the weight loss; the promotion - rather than focussing on what's most important - being happy now on the present! The focus needs to be in the here and now because No matter how hard we try, we are never 100% in control of our outcome - that's what makes life so interesting.

The real key missing ingredient though is self belief. Before you attemp to achieve any new goal, you must increase your self belief. You must trust that you are the  best. You must also have high resilience because the road to achieving your desires is often met with bumps along the way. For instance, you may battle your internal negative thoughts, the disbelief others may have in you, financial setbacks, timing issues and so on. This is normal in any journey towards your desires because we are often competing with the thoughts and beliefs of others in our environment and these May conflict with your own desires. So, you must believe in yourself and believe you can and will persist in the face of any obstacles that stand in your way.

Once you feel the strength of your self confidence and trust in your resilience you can and will battle through any feelings of procrastination. You will trust that every step forward is a step in the right direction. You will know in your heart that your dreams are already achieved  in your mind & are on their way.

For more inspiration and support visit Happy Life at: www.happylife.net.au

Self esteem boost: Don't seek change in others

If you are searching for changes in your life you must first make changes internally.

Do you ever think if only circumstances, events or people would change, life will be better? What's intersting about this misconception is that the way the universe works, you attract into your life experiences that match your internal moods. Psychologically you can interpret this as your life reflecting back at you your perceptions and beliefs.

It seems logical to think if only the horrible boss, friend, family member, partner or acquaintance would change your life would be easier and happier. Yet even when you free yourself from these people without addressing internal beliefs and values, there will be someone just as horrible waiting for you around the corner to make life feel just as miserable. In reality there are plenty of similar thinking people in this world to attract and you will continue to attract them unless you are clear about your boundaries. This is a core aspect of improving self esteem - accepting that you cannot change others. First you must change your thinking and feeling and then your circumstances will change.

The real issue to address is 'what are you thinking and feeling on a regular basis that is attracting such people into your life and what are you saying (verbally and non-verbally) is ok through your actions? When you don't stand up for yourself and allow others to treat you with little respect, you demonstrate that you accept such treatment. 

When others hurt you, you must look internally and ask yourself what am I missing here? Have I allowed this behaviour to go unaddressed in the past? Have I addressed the issue and been Ignored? Have I excused the behaviour? Is this behaviour the result of me being too passive to say what I would really desire?

Liking yourself is crucial to how to build self esteem
In order to truly be happy you must be happy with who you are. By increasing your own self belief and sticking to your values and beliefs, others around you will quickly learn the ways they should treat you. By working on increasing your inner strength and internal personal power, you can stand strong in the face of negative experiences and walk away feeling healthy and happy.

You have to be your own first priority - never forget that. Care for others, but never at the expense of your personal values and beliefs. Be strong and live happier and healthier.

To learn how to build confidence and gain self esteem visit Happy Life at: https://www.selfesteemonline.com.au

Why it's so important to increase self-esteem

The underlying cause of a lot of unhappiness is low self-esteem (a lack of confidence in your own worth or abilities). Self-esteem is the product of your life history, genes and circumstance. Low self-esteem is usually coupled with insecurity and self-doubt. These negative aspects of the 'self' have a nasty habit of causing self sabotage and reducing confidence. 

It's heartbreaking to witness how low self-esteem debilitates ones life through fear and doubt. The cruelest part of low self-esteem is that no matter how strong your belief is about how much you believe you deserve something, low self-esteem will find a way to ruin any chances of success unless you manage or heal it.

Let's look at the example in relationships. It's a strong desire for most people to attract and maintain a loving, supportive and fun intimate partner. When the relationship is yet to manifest, the desire intensifies until the universe nicely conspires to place you at the right place at the right time to form this potential partnership. If your self-esteem is moderate to high you will be yourself, show your best qualities and allow the relationship to grow organically. However, if your self-esteem is low you will panic at the slightest perception your potential partner has lost interest, behave in ways inconsistent with your true values and sacrifice much more of yourself than is appropriate in order to sustain a relationship that deep down you don't believe you truly deserve.

Similarly, when it comes to changing your career path, if you do not have a high self-esteem you will procrastinate, make poor decisions and avoid taking potential risks due to a very high fear of failure. 

How you feel about yourself directly impacts on your life success and overall happiness.

Thus, before you embark on any life change, it's imperative that you first work on increasing your self-esteem.

Whilst there are short-term quick- fix solutions to increasing your self-esteem, it usually takes a bit of time to firstly find the underlying causes of low self-esteem and then to begin to increase your self worth and self confidence using a variety of techniques. 

Whilst it can take time to fully increase self-esteem, a great way to begin boosting self-esteem is through validation (internal and external). This means acknowledging and welcoming the praise you receive by others and taking the time to regularly give yourself praise for every little job well done - instead of just disqualifying it as another job to tick off your to-do list. These could be as simple as prising yourself for:

- posting a profile on a dating site

- contacting someone you have a crush on

- attending an event that made you feel nervous

- completing a daunting presentation

- applying for that great job

- speaking up about something you feel strongly about

- paying your bills on time

- investing your money

- cleaning your home

- making time to care for a loved one

- spending time with a friend from overseas or interstate

On a daily basis you do a myriad of fantastic things that you either ignore or downplay simply because they are not as important as the tasks you have decided are most important to lead you towards achieving your long term goals. Whilst these tasks are great measures of success, taking time to acknowledge all the other great things you're doing daily will increase your self-esteem. In turn it will increase your confidence in your abilitiy to make your larger desires a reality. 

So praise yourself and others regularly and be proud of all the wonderful things you do for yourself and others on a daily basis.

Be mindful of your self-esteem and seek help if you need assistance to boost your self worth.

For more information or support for low self-esteem visit: http://www.happylife.net.au/self-esteem_online.html

Deciding the improve your life instead of 'change' your life

It is very interesting to note the impact that an alteration in your language can have on how you feel about yourself and your life overall. Altering your internal language to say you want to improve your life rather than change your life is a very good example of this.

When you say you want to change your life, the underlying message (implication) is that overall your life is terrible and hence needs a complete change. However, this is not true. Every person can finds things in life to be happy about and proud of, such as:

- saving money for a holiday

- finishing a degree/course

- supporting a friend or loved one

- buying a home

- buying a car

- getting into shape

- creating close friendships

- helping a client at work

- delivering a speech 

- taking a risk that paid off

.... And so on...

The pursuit of goals and desires

Often you can find yourself unhappy with your current situation because your goals and desires are not manifesting quickly enough - or at all (eg wanting a career change, a partner, a baby, more money, close friends). This perceived failure can cause you to tell yourself regularly that your life is unsuccessful and therefore you 'must' find a way to change your life in order to find happiness. Believing this can leave you feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. 

Telling yourself you must change also implies you can't stand things the way they are now, yet you are already 'standing' things right now. It might not be pleasant but you are stronger than you most likely give yourself credit.

Changing your language

If you alter your language simply by saying 'i want to improve my life', the implication will be that there are many things to be happy about right now, but you want more (eg you already have some great friends, you have money to survive, you have a loving partner .. And so on). 

This new way of speaking serves to empower you and motivate you to achieve your desires. In other words, you start to believe you can and will enhance your life and that your life to-date is pretty good, despite not yet achieving your current desires.

You have a right to want more. In fact, the pursuit of desires is what makes life so exciting. See your goals as a way of enhancing your life and be appreciative and mindful of what you achieved so far.

For more support and inspiration visit: www.happylife.net.au

How much do you put up with in relationship?

It's interesting to note that one of the by-products of being a nice person and wanting relationships to work - is accepting less than you are worth just to either keep the peace, or to try to avoid the possibility of someone leaving you.

Women are the most likely candidates for this behaviour. Many women get drawn into the media hype surrounding age and babies and end up believing they have to meet someone before it's too late. Others interpret failed relationships as a reflection of being unworthy or unloveable. In both instances, when such women meet a potential partner, they put up with much more than they normally would, out of fear the relationship might end. 

All relationships need compromise, however this type of compromise refers to behaviours such as accepting friends and family you may not get along with, accepting hobbies and passions you may not find interesting and giving up things you love during times when a partner needs support. These compromises are very different to compromising on being treated with respect (eg accepting your partner regularly ignoring you, or not considering your feelings and needs) or compromising on trust (eg accepting your partner having an emotional affair, or accepting your partners hot & cold feelings towards you based on daily moods).

At the heart of every relationship there must be a strong foundation. Therefore, at the beginning of any new relationship you must be clear about your values and speak up when behaviours make you feel uncomfortable. 

I can recall being 16 years of age dating my first real boyfriend who turned out to be a very bad mistake on my behalf - we live and learn. Every time he would come to pick me up from home in his car, he would just beep the horn outside and expect me to run outside. One day, I thought to myself that I was not comfortable with this disrespectful behaviour. So, I waited and waited. Instead of walking up to the door, he drove off. When he arrived home he called me and was furious when I told him I wasn't going to be treated like that any more. Well, he soon leant and began to knock on the door to greet me and never again honked the horn outside. Whilst this relationship didn't work out, I gained huge respect for myself and I learnt how to stand up for myself without fear of consequence.

In all relationships, we must inform others of how we want to be treated. For instance, telling a friend you are not comfortable with her cancelling plans at the last minute regularly, or telling a child you don't appreciate being spoken to in an aggressive/sharp tone. These boundaries should not be compromised. When you allow yourself to cross that line you never feel good about it, regardless of how well you try to convince yourself there is an excuse or reason behind certain behaviours.

The key ingredient necessary here is self respect. When you respect and value yourself, you feel confident enough to trust that you will always have people who love you in your life. Thus, if others will only be with you if you devalue yourself, you can walk away with confidence.

We all want to be loved and cared for, but at what cost? By all means give of yourself to care for others, but never compromise on respect and trust. You deserve more.

For more support and inspiration visit:

Happy Life

www.happylife.net.au

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