Objectively if you were to look at the human race you could be convinced that there is something wrong with a species that seems to repel and reject nice people on a regular basis. I see countless evidence of 'nice' people being taken advantage of, walked over, ignored, rejected and criticized. However, when you look closely at these examples you invariably find these nice people are in fact engaging in passive behaviour and ignoring their own needs, wants and desires in order to please others. Hence why it's easy to confuse being nice with being passive.
So, what is the difference between niceness and passivity?
Being a nice person goes hand in hand with considering the needs of others, being kind, being generous, helping and supporting those in need. However, when these qualities come at the expense of your own needs, wants and desires on a regular basis they translate into passive behaviour. The major problem with being passive under the guise of niceness is that it often translates into resentment and anger - in turn causing you to no longer want to be nice.
Being passive also tends to bring out the worst in others because people tend to assume that nice person will be more accommodating and be less likely to complain when things don't go their way.
The reason many nice people avoid being assertive is they are driven by a need to please others. Thus, expressing conflicting views can be very frightening for a passively nice person, as it has the potential to upset others and result in negative consequences (eg rejection and criticism).
The most fascinating aspect of passive behaviour is that it ends up leading to the same negative outcomes originally feared. In others words, passively Nice people want to avoid being criticized, but through passive behavior are likely to end up being criticized anyway.
If you are a passively nice person it's really important to make the distinction between being nice and passive and to challenge your underlying fears that drive you to behave in a passive manner. You can still be a nice person, but don't allow your behaviour to be driven predominately by the needs and wants of others. This is particularly important when you commit to doing something with another nice person and are asked to do something at the same time by someone you are scared to say 'no' to. In this case, you're likely to also choose the scary person and assume the nice person will be OK. Behaving in the exact manner you dislike in others.
Whilst there will always be times when it is necessary to put the needs of others in front of yours, during these times it's important to ensure you are being respected and appreciated. For example, placing boundaries around how your children should speak to you (showing their appreciation through words like please and thank-you).
Further, whilst being 'easy going' might be an energy you aspire to have, don't confuse it with being a pushover. It's fine to agree to things if you really don't mind, but if you're happy, at least seek clarification and ask if there is any opportunity to alter things more to your liking.
Aspire to be a nice person, but try not to aspire to be passive.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
If you find yourself going down the wrong path. Stop and do a u-turn
Watching a Suze Orman (finance guru) video today, I was struck by a very pertinent comment she made regarding 'if you find yourself going down the wrong path, God permits u-turns'. In other words, it's never too late to change the course of your life and set sail in the right direction - FOR YOU.
I often tell my clients that age is not a barrier to success. Often clients believe they are too old to change their life directions and to start living out their dreams. However, there are countless stories of very successful individuals who embarked on their true calling later in life.
In each one of these cases there was also a deep underlying passion and desire to bring happiness to others. The Colonel dreamt of people enjoying his delicious chicken recipe, Suze dreamt of helping empower people to take back control of their financial future and Jack dreamt of helping his readers find inspiration, hope and joy through his stories. These core internal drives helped to push them through adversity to finally achieve and sustain their dreams.
We are all on a life's journey. My person journey began when I was 12 years old. I can still see myself in our loungeroom thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and deciding instinctively that I wanted to help others to feel happy. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, but I was convinced that I was here on this earth to support and assist others. This desire has continued to motivate and inspire me every single day. It is why I love coaching, counselling and mentoring individuals and why I feel so happy and inspired after every session. I wasn't blessed with rich parents, an easy childhood, or a stable upbringing, but I was blessed with determination and drive. I observed these in my parents (particularly my mother) and I have the will to never give up. This determination and the desire to help others keeps me firmly focussed on how much I have achieved already, how much I still want to achieve and how much is still possible.
When you take time to reflect on your life, you will find (if you haven't already) your life's desire. This desire is in your grasp. Regardless of your life's circumstance, with belief, determination and perseverance, you can have, do or be anything you desire.
I often tell my clients that age is not a barrier to success. Often clients believe they are too old to change their life directions and to start living out their dreams. However, there are countless stories of very successful individuals who embarked on their true calling later in life.
- Suze Orman is a great example of this, deciding to change her life's course whilst working as a waitress at age 30.
- Colonel Sanders - the creator of the KFC franchise - changed the course of his life even later in life. After years of perfecting his secret chicken recipe, it wasn't until he was 65 years of age that he began approaching potential franchisees - a move that finally led him to the successful KFC business that remains extremely popular around the world today.
- Jack Canfield (the successful motivational speaker) was a teacher earning a very modest wage when he later decided to write the now famous Chicken Soup for the Soul series with a friend. It took them 3 years to write and almost 2 years to promote, but now Jack's books are sold in the millions all over the world.
In each one of these cases there was also a deep underlying passion and desire to bring happiness to others. The Colonel dreamt of people enjoying his delicious chicken recipe, Suze dreamt of helping empower people to take back control of their financial future and Jack dreamt of helping his readers find inspiration, hope and joy through his stories. These core internal drives helped to push them through adversity to finally achieve and sustain their dreams.
We are all on a life's journey. My person journey began when I was 12 years old. I can still see myself in our loungeroom thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and deciding instinctively that I wanted to help others to feel happy. I didn't know how I was going to achieve this, but I was convinced that I was here on this earth to support and assist others. This desire has continued to motivate and inspire me every single day. It is why I love coaching, counselling and mentoring individuals and why I feel so happy and inspired after every session. I wasn't blessed with rich parents, an easy childhood, or a stable upbringing, but I was blessed with determination and drive. I observed these in my parents (particularly my mother) and I have the will to never give up. This determination and the desire to help others keeps me firmly focussed on how much I have achieved already, how much I still want to achieve and how much is still possible.
When you take time to reflect on your life, you will find (if you haven't already) your life's desire. This desire is in your grasp. Regardless of your life's circumstance, with belief, determination and perseverance, you can have, do or be anything you desire.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Quick way to reduce anxiety
Anxiety can strike in the most peculiar circumstances and situations. You may wake up anxious after a bad sleep, feel anxious as a result of your thoughts, or feel physically anxious for a range of reasons (eg exhaustion, food intolerance, too much caffeine).
The physical reactions you have when you feel anxious, such as your heart pumping quickly, have been programmed into you to give you a 'quick start' when you find yourself in trouble. However, because modern life lends itself to pushing you way beyond the norm, many people experience regular - unpleasant - anxiety which can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Long term there are a range of anxiety reducing techniques (such as mindfulness and meditation) which work particularly well when your thoughts are the cause of your anxious responses. Thoughts related to worrying about something tend to be the culprit here. These thoughts include worrying about money, relationships, the world at large and so on.
Whilst long term anxiety reducing techniques are great and very useful, you often need a quick-fix when you're in the midst of an anxious episode. In this instance it has been found that one of the quickest methods of reducing anxiety is to shake it out physically - for instance through dance!
Everyone has a favorite song that makes them feel like being physical. If you're at home and you feel that anxious feeling coming on (eg you're siting at your computer stressing over your bills), stop for 5-10 mins and turn on your stereo. Find those songs that make you feel alive, energetic and full of life. Then, dance with all your might. You can do this alone or with friends/family/partner/your dog/cat. In fact doing this with others is a great way to shift you both into moment-to-moment thinking so it serves 2 great purposes.
If you're not at home, put your headphones on and stop what you're doing for 5-10 minutes and at least enjoy the positive energy boost you'll receive from the music, by tapping your feet or just breathing in the positive energy.
This simple technique is very powerful because it serves to physically re-adjust your body, shift your mental state from worry to happiness and to revitalize your body too.
So, the next time you're feeling anxious give this technique a go and enjoy the instant release it brings you.
For free videos, recipes, support and e-books visit:
www.happylife.net.au and www.helpformums.com
The physical reactions you have when you feel anxious, such as your heart pumping quickly, have been programmed into you to give you a 'quick start' when you find yourself in trouble. However, because modern life lends itself to pushing you way beyond the norm, many people experience regular - unpleasant - anxiety which can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Long term there are a range of anxiety reducing techniques (such as mindfulness and meditation) which work particularly well when your thoughts are the cause of your anxious responses. Thoughts related to worrying about something tend to be the culprit here. These thoughts include worrying about money, relationships, the world at large and so on.
Whilst long term anxiety reducing techniques are great and very useful, you often need a quick-fix when you're in the midst of an anxious episode. In this instance it has been found that one of the quickest methods of reducing anxiety is to shake it out physically - for instance through dance!
Everyone has a favorite song that makes them feel like being physical. If you're at home and you feel that anxious feeling coming on (eg you're siting at your computer stressing over your bills), stop for 5-10 mins and turn on your stereo. Find those songs that make you feel alive, energetic and full of life. Then, dance with all your might. You can do this alone or with friends/family/partner/your dog/cat. In fact doing this with others is a great way to shift you both into moment-to-moment thinking so it serves 2 great purposes.
If you're not at home, put your headphones on and stop what you're doing for 5-10 minutes and at least enjoy the positive energy boost you'll receive from the music, by tapping your feet or just breathing in the positive energy.
This simple technique is very powerful because it serves to physically re-adjust your body, shift your mental state from worry to happiness and to revitalize your body too.
So, the next time you're feeling anxious give this technique a go and enjoy the instant release it brings you.
For free videos, recipes, support and e-books visit:
www.happylife.net.au and www.helpformums.com
Thursday, June 20, 2013
What do you need to change to look and feel good?
There comes a point when you realise you have to give up things you enjoy for a period if time in order to achieve something that is miles apart from where you are now. It would be nice if you could simply have anything your heart desires and enjoy all the little pleasures you take for granted - without any input. However, live is a bit trickier than that!
Getting healthy is a very good example of this. We often assume eating healthy foods and exercising are only important for the way we look externally. However, your extremities reflect your body internally. If you're eating unhealthy foods on a regular basis you're likely to find your skin looks dull, your eyes are not bright white, your nails chip easily and your hair may be thinner than usual too - to name a few...
The fascinating part of diet is that most of us are not truly aware of what we are eating. We assume we are pretty healthy most of the time. However, when you start to observe everything that goes into your mouth on a daily basis you may be shocked to realise you're regularly consuming products that are high in fats such as butter/margarine and snacking on foods that are high in salt and sugar.
It's also interesting to observe the quantity of fresh vegetables, fruits, legumes, nuts, healthy grains and healthy fats you're consuming. These are the things to increase in your daily life.
Of course, too much attention to your diet can drive you crazy, but slight changes to your eating, such as adding a salad to your lunch, swapping from sugar to honey and cutting out margarine/butter from you'd diet can go a long way towards increasing your health.
When you improve your inner health, your external appearance improves accordingly.
Feeling good on the inside will also give you back that spring in your step and make you feel more youthful. Tiny changes also tend to snowball into bigger and better changes - so start small and see how much better you feel.
Live this life to the fullest.
Download our free e-book for mums at: www.helpformums.com
Access our free healthy living videos at: www.happylife.net.au
Getting healthy is a very good example of this. We often assume eating healthy foods and exercising are only important for the way we look externally. However, your extremities reflect your body internally. If you're eating unhealthy foods on a regular basis you're likely to find your skin looks dull, your eyes are not bright white, your nails chip easily and your hair may be thinner than usual too - to name a few...
The fascinating part of diet is that most of us are not truly aware of what we are eating. We assume we are pretty healthy most of the time. However, when you start to observe everything that goes into your mouth on a daily basis you may be shocked to realise you're regularly consuming products that are high in fats such as butter/margarine and snacking on foods that are high in salt and sugar.
It's also interesting to observe the quantity of fresh vegetables, fruits, legumes, nuts, healthy grains and healthy fats you're consuming. These are the things to increase in your daily life.
Of course, too much attention to your diet can drive you crazy, but slight changes to your eating, such as adding a salad to your lunch, swapping from sugar to honey and cutting out margarine/butter from you'd diet can go a long way towards increasing your health.
When you improve your inner health, your external appearance improves accordingly.
Feeling good on the inside will also give you back that spring in your step and make you feel more youthful. Tiny changes also tend to snowball into bigger and better changes - so start small and see how much better you feel.
Live this life to the fullest.
Download our free e-book for mums at: www.helpformums.com
Access our free healthy living videos at: www.happylife.net.au
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Why is seems the law of attraction isn't working
If you're feeling like you're hitting your head against the wall because your desires are not coming fast enough, it's time to look at what you're thinking!
People often assume they are being positive because they focus on what they want for periods of time during the day, but how much of their day is spent being positive versus being negative ?
Being negative dies not have to mean that you're a pessimistic person or that you're severely depressed. Negative self talk often happens so quickly that by the time you realize you're being negative, you've had a plethora if negative conversations in your head that invite more negative people, circumstances and events into your life.
Negative thinking is a habit - probably one of the most detrimental habits you are likely engage in. Negative thinking includes small examples, such as:
• opening an email from a person who is driving you crazy at work & thinking "she's so annoying"
• collecting the mail & thinking "I'm not going to open it now because I know it's a bill I can't pay"
• being cut off in traffic and thinking "what an idiot that driver is - he almost killed me"
• running late for work and thinking "I'm hopeless, I'm never on time"
• getting upset with your kids/friend/partner/family member/colleague (with reason) and thinking "I should never have spoken up - now they'll hate me"
.... And the list goes on....
You can see how quickly negative thinking can affect your life and therefore influence what you attract into your life.
The crazy thing about negative thinking is somewhere underneath the negative thinking is a belief that states "if I think hard enough about what's wrong - something will change". However, this goes against all the natural laws of the Universe - sick as the law of attraction. This habit and belief are, unfortunately, very well ingrained, so it takes effort to be VERY mindful of all the little negative thoughts that pass through your mind and the start to concert then into positive thinking.
A great way to start doing this is to take a leaf out of Loiuse Hay's book. She tells herself a very simple mantra "only good things lay before me". This mantra gives you a different focus - when practiced regularly. For instance, if you believe only good things lay before you and during the day someone cuts you off in traffic - instead of thinking "he almost killed me", you can think "maybe that happened to wake me up and remind me to pay attention". Similarly if you receive a bill, instead of thinking "I can't pay this", you'll start to think "I always find a way to pay things so I can handle any bill I receive". By the way... This is very true of bills. Often people stress a lot about bills coming in, however, once the shock subsides, they find a way to pay it.
Small negative self talk, leads to larger negative self talk. This negative language infects your life and prevents you from living a full and happy life.
Start with small changes. Be mindful today of the things you're saying to yourself and to others. Start to tell yourself a positive mantra and trust that the Universe will bring you what you desire - when its right for you.
For more inspiration visit happylife.net.au or helpformums.com
People often assume they are being positive because they focus on what they want for periods of time during the day, but how much of their day is spent being positive versus being negative ?
Being negative dies not have to mean that you're a pessimistic person or that you're severely depressed. Negative self talk often happens so quickly that by the time you realize you're being negative, you've had a plethora if negative conversations in your head that invite more negative people, circumstances and events into your life.
Negative thinking is a habit - probably one of the most detrimental habits you are likely engage in. Negative thinking includes small examples, such as:
• opening an email from a person who is driving you crazy at work & thinking "she's so annoying"
• collecting the mail & thinking "I'm not going to open it now because I know it's a bill I can't pay"
• being cut off in traffic and thinking "what an idiot that driver is - he almost killed me"
• running late for work and thinking "I'm hopeless, I'm never on time"
• getting upset with your kids/friend/partner/family member/colleague (with reason) and thinking "I should never have spoken up - now they'll hate me"
.... And the list goes on....
You can see how quickly negative thinking can affect your life and therefore influence what you attract into your life.
The crazy thing about negative thinking is somewhere underneath the negative thinking is a belief that states "if I think hard enough about what's wrong - something will change". However, this goes against all the natural laws of the Universe - sick as the law of attraction. This habit and belief are, unfortunately, very well ingrained, so it takes effort to be VERY mindful of all the little negative thoughts that pass through your mind and the start to concert then into positive thinking.
A great way to start doing this is to take a leaf out of Loiuse Hay's book. She tells herself a very simple mantra "only good things lay before me". This mantra gives you a different focus - when practiced regularly. For instance, if you believe only good things lay before you and during the day someone cuts you off in traffic - instead of thinking "he almost killed me", you can think "maybe that happened to wake me up and remind me to pay attention". Similarly if you receive a bill, instead of thinking "I can't pay this", you'll start to think "I always find a way to pay things so I can handle any bill I receive". By the way... This is very true of bills. Often people stress a lot about bills coming in, however, once the shock subsides, they find a way to pay it.
Small negative self talk, leads to larger negative self talk. This negative language infects your life and prevents you from living a full and happy life.
Start with small changes. Be mindful today of the things you're saying to yourself and to others. Start to tell yourself a positive mantra and trust that the Universe will bring you what you desire - when its right for you.
For more inspiration visit happylife.net.au or helpformums.com
Friday, May 31, 2013
Why can't we see past our difference?
I've thought a lot about the comments made about race this week. I think the saddest part about what has happened is that people still think in negative ways about others just because of a difference in race, sexuality, gender, weight, age, clothing and so on.
It's interesting when you think about where these negative attitudes come from because when you look at children playing with other kids at a young age - they do not see any difference in physical appearance and thus do not judge other children or adults based on any differences.
This makes me wonder where it comes from. It must be taught - at some level. Of all the places in the world where its shocking to find that racism still exists its Australia - the multicultural country where we accept others with open arms to share the fortune we have of living in a country without war and where we have a great public hospital system and we look after those less fortunate. Yes it's not perfect, but it's pretty good.
So, what can we do about this? I think we can do 2 things very quickly 1) learn from children to see the person inside 2) teach our children how to foster this lovely nature into adulthood.
Part of teaching involves modeling. Adults spend a lot of time criticizing each other and children pick up on this and model it very quickly. For instance, have you ever heard yourself making fun of what another person was wearing? It might seem like an innocent comment, but it sets the scene for kids that it's ok to judge others based on their appearance. We live in a society that encourages this, but it would be so great if we all tried not to engage in such social comparisons.
By all means look after your appearance, but try not to use appearance as a way to judge another person.
The true essence of another comes from within. When you are with others, see the soul not the shell. If we teach our kids to do the same, imagine what a nicer world we would live in!
It's interesting when you think about where these negative attitudes come from because when you look at children playing with other kids at a young age - they do not see any difference in physical appearance and thus do not judge other children or adults based on any differences.
This makes me wonder where it comes from. It must be taught - at some level. Of all the places in the world where its shocking to find that racism still exists its Australia - the multicultural country where we accept others with open arms to share the fortune we have of living in a country without war and where we have a great public hospital system and we look after those less fortunate. Yes it's not perfect, but it's pretty good.
So, what can we do about this? I think we can do 2 things very quickly 1) learn from children to see the person inside 2) teach our children how to foster this lovely nature into adulthood.
Part of teaching involves modeling. Adults spend a lot of time criticizing each other and children pick up on this and model it very quickly. For instance, have you ever heard yourself making fun of what another person was wearing? It might seem like an innocent comment, but it sets the scene for kids that it's ok to judge others based on their appearance. We live in a society that encourages this, but it would be so great if we all tried not to engage in such social comparisons.
By all means look after your appearance, but try not to use appearance as a way to judge another person.
The true essence of another comes from within. When you are with others, see the soul not the shell. If we teach our kids to do the same, imagine what a nicer world we would live in!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
How to reduce fear and worry
Fear and worry are very common emotions - felt at varying degrees & often dependent in a variety of situations and circumstances. Constant worrying is often caused by underlying issues, however it worsens over time as a result of reinforcement. In other words - worry & fear result in even more worry and fear.
When you think about fear, you might think it doesn't apply to you because you don't walk around scared all day, however this underlying fear tends to be related to fear of making a mistake; fear of getting into trouble; fear of others not liking you; or fear of others disapproving of you.
Thus, these underlying fears can be quite debilitating for you. They will cause you to avoid doing things you really want to do and cause you to agree to doing things you really don't want to do.
People often assume sticking up for yourself is all about being more assertive, but the reality is that unless you deal with some of these fears, you are likely to find it very difficult to put assertiveness skills into practice.
Confronting fears is a two stage process. The first stage involves working on increasing your self belief that things always work out for you - no matter how bad they may seems at the time. The second involves healing this fear directly - thus working on challenging the fear itself. Here you need to prove the fear is irrational by behaving contrary to the fear and also challenging negating thinking which also perpetuate the fear.
If we take the fear of making a mistake as an example, the first thing to do would be to tell yourself that no matter how big a mistake, you can always say sorry and move on. Everyone makes mistake. A life spent trying to avoid mistakes is a life not lived in a manner true to yourself and one 'on edge' worrying about the constant consequences of behavior. The next thing to do is challenge the first opportunity you have of potentially making a mistake.
Let's say, you're at Uni or in an important meeting and a question has been raised. You think you might know the answer but you're not sure. To challenge the fear you tell yourself it's not really about getting it right or wrong - it's about contributing. So, you raise your hand and provide your answer. Most people disagree with your response, but you tell yourself that you're proud of yourself for having a go and you learn from the responses of others. As a result you grow from the experience.
This is the first step towards reducing your fear, because you can't avoid making mistakes, others being upset with you or not liking you - unfortunately it's a fact of life. So, by accepting that you do your best and deal with the rest, you start to reduce your fears and live with much less worry and anxiety.
For more support and free resources on fear and anxiety visit: www.happylife.net.au
When you think about fear, you might think it doesn't apply to you because you don't walk around scared all day, however this underlying fear tends to be related to fear of making a mistake; fear of getting into trouble; fear of others not liking you; or fear of others disapproving of you.
Thus, these underlying fears can be quite debilitating for you. They will cause you to avoid doing things you really want to do and cause you to agree to doing things you really don't want to do.
People often assume sticking up for yourself is all about being more assertive, but the reality is that unless you deal with some of these fears, you are likely to find it very difficult to put assertiveness skills into practice.
Confronting fears is a two stage process. The first stage involves working on increasing your self belief that things always work out for you - no matter how bad they may seems at the time. The second involves healing this fear directly - thus working on challenging the fear itself. Here you need to prove the fear is irrational by behaving contrary to the fear and also challenging negating thinking which also perpetuate the fear.
If we take the fear of making a mistake as an example, the first thing to do would be to tell yourself that no matter how big a mistake, you can always say sorry and move on. Everyone makes mistake. A life spent trying to avoid mistakes is a life not lived in a manner true to yourself and one 'on edge' worrying about the constant consequences of behavior. The next thing to do is challenge the first opportunity you have of potentially making a mistake.
Let's say, you're at Uni or in an important meeting and a question has been raised. You think you might know the answer but you're not sure. To challenge the fear you tell yourself it's not really about getting it right or wrong - it's about contributing. So, you raise your hand and provide your answer. Most people disagree with your response, but you tell yourself that you're proud of yourself for having a go and you learn from the responses of others. As a result you grow from the experience.
This is the first step towards reducing your fear, because you can't avoid making mistakes, others being upset with you or not liking you - unfortunately it's a fact of life. So, by accepting that you do your best and deal with the rest, you start to reduce your fears and live with much less worry and anxiety.
For more support and free resources on fear and anxiety visit: www.happylife.net.au
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